Thursday, October 28, 2010


I've been away so long. This blog was about my infertility journey, and that chapter of my life is closed, so I don't really plan on coming back here.

I have two beautiful baby girls. They were born via scheduled c-section at exactly 38 weeks on July 7th, 2010. They were both breech, so the c-section was our only option. Baby A - Sarah Elizabeth - was 6 pounds 8 ounces, 19 inches long. Baby B - Julianne Carol - was 7 pounds 11 ounces, 20 inches long. A lot of baby! Even my OB was shocked at their sizes - no wonder I was so huge and uncomfortable, especially the last few weeks. They were both very healthy.

The last few months has been a blur - 4 babies in the house is crazy. Danny and Callie have handled their new sisters like champs - they love the babies and they are very gentle and sweet with them. The babies are a little more challenging than Danny and Callie were, we've dealt with Lactose Intolerance, dairy sensitivity, and now reflux. Overall it's not bad, but we knew that we were spoiled with how easy C & D were as babies, so some days we feel like we are figuring it out all over again. But they are beautiful, and they get more beautiful every day.

If anyone is still checking here... you can now find me at my family blog - These days that blog is mostly populated with pictures of the kids. I also don't check the email associated with this blog very often, so if you want to reach me just leave a comment on the other blog with your email address (comments are hidden, so noone else will see your email). And I'm on facebook too - also leave me a comment on the family blog if you want to know how to find me there.

Life on the other side of infertility is interesting. You're never really on the other side of it. You never recover from the scars. I will never stop thinking about the pain that I went through, and there will always be a little part of me that will wish that I could get pregnant naturally. Honestly I would love to have more kids, I love being a mom. But 4 is enough really, I can't afford the help that would be required to manage more than 4. And anyway, the well is dry. My egg source has her own life now, a husband and child of her own, and I wouldn't ask her to do for me again what she did once.

I still wonder about the embryos that didn't make it. I will always wonder who those babies might have become. And secretly, late at night, when I'm holding one of my little babies, I whisper into their ears about all the little angel brothers and sisters they have in heaven looking over them. There were so many. There are little parts of me that still think that something I did caused those babies not to live, something wrong with my body caused them to not implant and grow and live the lives they were meant to live. There will always be a little guilt about that. But, on the other hand, if we had frozen embryos left now then I would be conflicted about what to do with them. I would want them.

signing out for now....

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

me again

Time flies.

I'm 16 weeks now, and finally actually feeling pretty good most of the time. The nausea is mostly gone, I still get occasional waves, but it's pretty seldom and considerably milder than before - so really nothing to even worry about.

I'm still having issues sleeping, but nowhere near as bad as it was even a few weeks ago. I had many nights when I was literally wide awake all night - which seems crazy given how exhausted I was all day. This went on for weeks and weeks and nothing helped - I tried benadryl, and my doc even prescribed a.mbien - it didn't touch it. But - not sure if it was just a timing coincidence or what - I think I started to realize that when I didn't take my prenatal vitamin at night, I slept a little better. I have been taking my vitamins in the evening for a while now, because they just seemed to go down better on a full stomach. But it never occurred to me that they might affect my sleep. So - as I said - it could be something, or it could be just the timing that I was already entering the 2nd trimester where a lot of these problems go away anyway. who knows. I'm still not sleeping all night, but I'm not laying wide awake for hours and hours, which is so much better.

That whole first trimester gross-ness doesn't really make you feel pregnant. You just feel gross. Now I am starting to feel pregnant - I'm definitely starting to show, and feeling like there's something in there. I think I'm also starting to feel some of that spreading/pressure on the pelvic bone - I think this is a lot earlier than last time, but I guess that makes sense. I'm not yet feeling any real movement, still just that faint tickling, flickering sort of sensation that you sometimes hear about - a little like gas, but faster and lower and more frequent.

We've had a few good looks at the babies, and they are doing great. Both right about the same size, growing right on track. The nuchal measurements were great, so we're not moving forward with any other screenings. We will have the anatomy scan in a few weeks, I need to get that scheduled.

My kids have decided that now would be a good time to start to have some sleeping issues. They both have been taking turns being sick for the last few weeks - our entire household, including the nanny, have been trading colds around. So we've had quite a few nights of sneezing, coughing, waking up just being generally miserable, etc. Fortunately for me, my husband has taken most of the brunt of this night time stuff - voluntarily. He wanted me to be able to get some rest. But I think that is coming to an end. He has turned into a total whiner about not getting enough sleep, and I'm getting so sick of hearing about it that I'd rather just get up in the night and let him sleep. seriously! I'm not sure what he thinks he's going to do when these babies are born - he is getting TONS of sleep now compared to what he will be getting in a few months, so it seems to me like it would be wise to not complain about it now. I'm not sure what has gotten in to him.

Having sick kids is no fun - especially when there is so little you can do to help them feel better, or even help them understand why they feel so bad. It's sad. We're definitely noticing the impact of having them in preschool and being exposed to the germs. But I really have a hard time with how many parents bring their kids to school when they are obviously sick and contagious. Especially our school - we are in a developmental preschool at a clinic where there are lots of kids with health problems and special needs - and still these people think nothing of bringing a kid who is coughing like crazy or has green snot running out their nose. It really makes me angry. And it's not because the parents have to work and have no place else to send their kid - this is a program that requires the parent to be present. I sat across the table at snack time last week from a kid with green snot running down his face, and his clueless mother was sitting right next to him doing nothing about it, until I mentioned that he needed his nose wiped. What is wrong with these people? I really love the place otherwise, Danny has done amazing there and has made HUGE progress. And I know this goes on everywhere, I just would have expected that parents in this kind of environment would be a little more considerate.

We have started to spread our news a bit more broadly - the preschool teachers and Danny's therapists all know now. And a few more friends. We still haven't told anyone we work with, although I am going to have to do that in the next week I think. I am running out of clothes to wear. I pretty much only fit in materity clothes now. I have a few baggy sweaters that somewhat hide things if I'm layerd with a cardigan, hold my coat in front of me or make sure I get to meetings early so I'm sitting when others arrive. Last time I was able to get away with it until around 20 weeks, but this time I started off much thinner, and I think it's true what they say about showing earlier with a second pregnancy. But I can't get away with it for much longer. I was holding off because I was trying to get a consulting contract locked in through June. I didn't want any knowledge of the pregnancy to influence any decisions about extending my contract. I mostly work from home, so I fully expect to be able to keep working until the end of June (or close to it). That would be basically the same timing as last time, and I have no reason to think this pregnancy will be any shorter. I had absolutely no complications or pre-term labor last time, no dilation, nothing - so my OB feels fairly confident that I will go pretty far again. Of course, anything could happen, but I need to move forward assuming it won't, and I'll deal with any complications if they arise. I feel a little bad keeping this secret, but it really isn't relevant to my job, so technically (and legally) it shouldn't matter. I think I've now got my contract secured through June, so I will probably break the news next week.

ok, that was long and rambling enough, but now we are somewhat caught up to speed.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Oh I have become one of those slacking bloggers - disappearing for months at a time.

Everything is fine, I'm 13.5 weeks now (will be 14 weeks on wednesday). We've had a few great ultrasounds and the babies are growing right on track, very busy, and looking very healthy so far.

I have been miserable, thus my excuse for not keeping up. It seems worse than last time - although maybe that's my bad memory. Or maybe being a few years older makes it harder, and probably the fact that I am not able to get in a 3 hour nap every day like I last time makes a difference too. The last few months have been filled with nausea, gas, bloating, nausea, headaches, lightheadedness, very severe insomnia, exhaustion, bad taste in my mouth and more nausea. I got a cold at thanksgiving that lasted for weeks and weeks and weeks, I think my body didn't have the strength to fight it very well. I've been managing to do the bare minimum to keep the family fed and clothed and stay employed. Beyond that, nothing has been accomplished, my house is disorganized and my to-do list is a mile long. Thank goodness for my amazing husband who has been doing everything he can around here, and taking care of the kids all weekend while I lay on the couch and moan.

But, I am finally starting to come out of the fog. I'm still not quite feeling that great second trimester energy you sometimes hear about, but I am feeling human again.

I will try to be back soon and write more of an update. But I at least wanted to send out word that I am still alive and doing ok.

Oh, and I deleted my twitter account. I kept seeing people add me, but I never update it any more.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

here we go again

Ultrasound today - it's twins again! We weren't all that suprised, given the super high beta and the fact that I've been feeling exactly as awful as I did when I was pg with the twins.

So here we go again! We waffle back and forth between a combination of excitement and "oh my god what have we gotten ourselves into". But mostly very excited. I'd be more excited if I didn't feel so crummy, but I'll feel better in a couple months.

must rest now.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

again with the waiting

Thanks to everyone for all your wonderful comments of support and congrats. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found this wonderful virtual IF community - what a wonderful thing the internet is. You all make IF just a little bit easier to bear, and you help make the successes a little more sweet. so thank you.

I don't have much in the way of updates. We have a scan scheduled for Tuesday, Dec 1. I'll be 6 weeks and 6 days. They offered to do one next week, but we'll be out of town. I asked if we could do it before we leave but they said that would be too early. So it's booked for the day after we get home.

We're flying to San Diego on Saturday to spend the week with my family for thanksgiving. We will be telling my mom & stepdad and my sister & brother-in-law at dinnner on Saturday night. Those of you who have been reading here for a while will recall that these embryos were the result of donor eggs from my sister - so I am very exicted to be able to tell her of this pregnancy in person.

This second 2ww is almost as hard as the first. But fortunately I have this vacation to break it up, and am busy this week getting everyone packed and ready for the trip. I've been having a terrible time keeping my brain focused on work - which is not very good because I do consulting work, so I need to put in the hours in order to get paid. I have to figure out a way to get focused.

I have been 'graduated' early by my acupuncturist. I saw her yesterday and she said that they usually like to see people through their first trimester, but my numbers are so high that she really doesn't think it's necessary. So she sent me off with a whole packet of info - eastern medicine guidelines and recommendations about pregnancy, and told me to call if I have any complications, and to come back in the third trimester for birth preparation. If any of you are considering acupuncture and/or chinese medicine for infertility, I highly recommend it. I really believe it made a difference in my last cycle.

I have very little symptoms so far - some mild breast tenderness, maybe some blue veins showing up in my arms and chest, and some very mild queasyness. All things that I probably wouldn't notice if I wasn't looking so closely for them. But I expect this to change within the next couple of weeks. Last time I think it was around 6 weeks that I started feeling pretty crummy.

I've been thinking a lot about the little superstitions that we all have during our IF treatments. With every little move I make I'm afraid I might jinx something. With my first FET transfer I wore the necklace I had worn when I got pg with the twins. But that FET failed, so this last time I made sure to wear a different necklace - a new one that my hubby had given me for my birthday. I bought a few items of maternity clothing, because the weather has turned here and I have no winter clothes that fit (yes, I gained a bit of weight this last cycle). It seemed silly to buy regular winter clothes that won't fit for very long, so I bought a few maternity things. They are little big, but so much more comfortable than squeezing into pants that are too tight. And it's so nice that the now make maternity pants that don't look like maternity pants - with a 'real waste'. But I'm terrified that I'll jinx myself by doing so, and by talking about it.

That's all for now - not sure how much I'll be posting for the next week or so, as I'll be busy with family. But check back on December 1 for the news about the first ultrasound. I think it will be exciting.

Monday, November 16, 2009

third beta

third beta is 4898. Approximately a 39 hour doubling time again. :-)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Second beta

The second beta is 2162!

That is a doubling time of 39 hours. With my twins, my second beta had a doubling time of 45 hours - so this is even stronger.

We're feeling pretty confident that we've got a nice healthy pregnancy here! yeah!

One more on monday.