Thursday, March 01, 2007

Week 8 - sharing the news, and the hope

Wow, it's really wierd to see that ticker telling me I'm 8 weeks today. Already I think it's going by fast. I had mentally put 10 - 12 weeks as a big milestone for this pregnancy - the point at which we will start telling more friends.

But the news is starting to get out to family already. And this makes me really nervous. My mom told my step sister. She begged me for somebody she could tell, and I told her it was ok to tell T because she lived so far away and likely doesn't talk to anybody else we know. And I knew very early about all of her pregnancies.

And each additional person we tell means we're opening it up to lots of other people finding out. Because even though you ask people not to tell, I'm sure it's something that people just can't keep secret. I can't believe that my mom hasn't told anybody else - I'm sure she has, she has probably just sworn them to secrecy. I've told my 2 best friends, 'cause they knew about everything all along. And they both fessed up to the fact that they told their mom's and their sisters. And of course their mom's are thrilled for us. But it's like the number of people that know is growing exponentially.

Yesterday J told his mom. And apparently the mom immediately told J's brother - because I just got a congratulatory email from the brother's wife. Yikes. It's all very nice that they are excited for us. But every additional person that knows just feels like it's piling on the risk if something goes wrong.

I had told J that I would tell my dad & my other sister this weekend. They both live in Europe so I have to plan the time to call them (Dad is in Italy, Sis is in Switzerland). So I'm thinking I'll make some phone calls saturday morning. But now the idea of it is starting to freak me out. I don't feel ready to talk about to to anyone other than the very small group that I have already been talking with about it. But I feel like if J's family knows, then I do owe it to my dad and my sister to tell them so they aren't the very last to know. Gosh just thinking about it makes me nervous though.

But we're not telling any of these people about the twins. J has just told his mom we are expecting. That news we will hold for several more weeks yet.

Well - my mom knows it's twins. And so do the aforementioned two best friends. Which I guess means that their moms know. Oh boy....

In other news... I had lunch today with IF friend. We met on a discussion board and then met in person since we live close by. We have a lot in common. She hasn't been through quite as many IVF cycles as me - but she has been through more than her share of heartbreaking torture - including an ectopic and a miscarriage and a couple of bad IVF cycles. Well her and I were cycling together again in January. Actually our betas were the exact same day. Mine was positive. Hers was negative. It's so hard to know how that is going to affect a friendship. I think the inclination is to say that you will be happy for a fellow IF'er who finally achieves success - but in reality we don't know how we will react, when also faced with our own loss. I myself have felt plenty of jealousy when fellow IF'er got a positive on a cycle that failed for me. So I was fully prepared for her to feel like maybe she couldn't see me. But we had a great lunch. And after lunch she sent me this email:

"It was great to see you. I wanted to tell you that I was a little worried that it would be hard to see you and didn't want anything to hurt our friendship. The great thing is it was really great to see you. Not hard at all. I was relieved to find that even in person, I am only happy for you. I'm not even jealous. So seeing you really made my day.

I also wanted to tell you that pregnancy suits you. I know it sounds cliche, but you were truly glowing. You really looked gorgeous. I don't know if it's the relief or happiness or something hormonal or what, but you really look wonderful. Embrace it!"

I can't tell you how happy this made me. Almost brought tears to my eyes. The last thing in the world I would have wanted was for my happiness to make her feel sad. But I would have understood. I would have more than understood -because I've been there so many times before. But I am so happy that she felt ok.

I hope my success can give her hope. I hope my success can give everybody hope.


Bea said...

That's a great email to get from your friend. Heck, it just about brought tears to *my* eyes. I hope your "open secret" doesn't get too out of hand...

Also a reply to your comment on my post (cut and paste):

A "babychino" is a little cup of frothy, steamed milk with chocolate sprinkles on top served in an adorable little coffee cup. It's made to look like a miniture cappuchino. The idea is you take your kids to a coffee shop and they get to feel all grown up by getting a drink just like mum. It's the ultimate in yuppie grooming products.

Ultimately, I think it's lost on an twenty-two month old. (That Friend started with the babychinos when he was 9 months old.)


Hopeful Mother said...

Your friend is wonderful.

I can understand your not wanting to tell everyone just yet. We have just told those who knew about our IVF cycle, and even then not everyone knows it's twins just yet. We haven't decided on the how/when on that part of things just yet.

Just taking things one day at a time for now. That's certainly enough! :-)

seattlegal said...

I understand not wanting to share although I did share with quite a few people in the beginning. It was still hard because I was afraid if I did tell one more person, it would be one more person I would have to tell should something go wrong.

Are you in the Seattle area?

Susan said...

I'm struggling with the "who to tell" question, too. It's so hard not to tell everyone, or want to tell everyone, after struggling with IF.
Your friend rocks.

Nickie said...

8 wks already? Wow, when did that happen? Feels like just last week you were announcing the beta. I hope the whole thing breezes by somewhat quickly, but not too fast.

Not sure if you're interested, but Heather (seattlegal) and I get together occassionally and we're trying to hook up with Alli (do you read her blog??) and it would be cool to expand our pg IF circle. Only if you want.

Foreverhopeful said...

Hi Carol. I just stumbled across your blog today desparately trying to find answers on the internet. I've went through four fresh IVF cycles and 2 FET's and all BFN. I've been at this heartbreaking TTC journey for over 4 years. I just got my latest BFN with my last fresh IVF and was devastated. I read your story and it sounded so much like mine. I also don't make a lot of great embies. The last two IVF's, I had none to freeze and only 3 to transfer (some not the greatest quality). The Dr. also told me that it looks like I have an egg issue and suggested egg donor. I also have a younger sister (she is 27) - six years younger than me that offered her eggs last year to me. I was hoping I would eventually get pregnant with my eggs but I'm leaning towards using hers now if she is still willing. I have a lot of questions and thoughts and would love to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through.

The Town Criers said...

That's a wonderful note to receive.

The only thing with telling is untelling if anything goes wrong (but telling can't cause something to happen). If these were all people you'd want to have support you if anything went wrong, I say "tell." The only problem is all of the people THEY tell... But hopefully, it will never be an issue because it will be a continuous celebration from here on out.