The transfer on monday was as perfect as it could be. The two embryos were both already hatching and looked very healthy. To my untrained eye, they actually looked better than the ones from the last two FETs. The embryologist was very optimistic and excited. We had the A-team for the transfer. My RE normally doesn't work on Monday, but she came in just for us because she knew I wouldn't want one of the other docs to do it, and she got her best u/s tech, and we had the head embryologist. He's the same one we had when we get the transfer that got us the twins, but we had not seen him for the last two transfers.
So, all the stars have aligned, everything has so far gone in our favor. I've done my acupuncture, taking my PIO, I had two very mellow days with my feet up, I've been eating my pineapple - I think I've covered all my bases.
Now just to wait. Beta is a week from tomorrow. I do not plan on testing. Hopefully the wait won't be too awful because I will be busy - I picked up a new consulting project that is keeping me busy at work, and I'll have my hands full with the kids all weekend. So the time should go by fast. I hope. Usually how this goes is that about the first half I do ok, and the last several days I start to lose my mind just a little bit. So we'll see.
I was nervous before this transfer. Way more nervous than I've ever been before. I feel like we have so much riding on this one - this is it, no more embryos. If this doesn't work then we are completely back to square one and I don't know what we'll do.
This has to work. it has to.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
we're on
The day 12 check was perfect - better than I've had before on day 12. Nice big follicle, perfect lining and perfect estrogen. We did the trigger shot on tuesday and we are set for a transfer on Monday. Send me all the positive thoughts you can muster - 2:30 pst on monday!
Monday, October 19, 2009
still kickin
wow, it's been 6 weeks since my last post. sorry.
I'm still here. I've been taking a break, but am about to dive back in.
We had a great vacation on our boat, a much needed time away to focus on family and just have some fun. Now we're home, trying to get organized again and re-motivated for work & household stuff.
Friday was my 39th birthday. My mom came to visit and we had a great fun weekend. Now back to reality.
On the IF front:
I've been going to acupuncture weekly and taking herbs. I think something it working, because I feel better than I've felt in a long time. No depression, energy level is much better, and I just am having the lightest period I've had in almost 2 years. I'm on day 5 of my cycle now, I'll start OPK testing on day 10 and go in for a check on day 11 or 12. We will hopefully be transferring our last two embryos in a couple of weeks.
I haven't done anything about a plan B - if this transfer doesn't work. I don't know what we'll do, and hopefully we won't have to figure that out.
the bad news - I've gained a shocking amount of weight. Vacation was very good to me, too much carbs and wine. So I'm back on a mostly veggie diet this week, trying to get things back under control again. I'm very disappointed in myself here - I'm almost 10 pounds over the number that I swore to never again see. So I must do something about it.
that's it for now. I'll keep y'all posted when I have more cycle updates to share. Hopefully it will be all good news this time.
I'm still here. I've been taking a break, but am about to dive back in.
We had a great vacation on our boat, a much needed time away to focus on family and just have some fun. Now we're home, trying to get organized again and re-motivated for work & household stuff.
Friday was my 39th birthday. My mom came to visit and we had a great fun weekend. Now back to reality.
On the IF front:
I've been going to acupuncture weekly and taking herbs. I think something it working, because I feel better than I've felt in a long time. No depression, energy level is much better, and I just am having the lightest period I've had in almost 2 years. I'm on day 5 of my cycle now, I'll start OPK testing on day 10 and go in for a check on day 11 or 12. We will hopefully be transferring our last two embryos in a couple of weeks.
I haven't done anything about a plan B - if this transfer doesn't work. I don't know what we'll do, and hopefully we won't have to figure that out.
the bad news - I've gained a shocking amount of weight. Vacation was very good to me, too much carbs and wine. So I'm back on a mostly veggie diet this week, trying to get things back under control again. I'm very disappointed in myself here - I'm almost 10 pounds over the number that I swore to never again see. So I must do something about it.
that's it for now. I'll keep y'all posted when I have more cycle updates to share. Hopefully it will be all good news this time.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
cancelled
I've never actually had a cycle cancelled before, so this is a first for me.
My natural FET cycle for this month has been cancelled. I knew it was a possibility, so I'm not overwhelmingly disappointed, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at all disappointed. I knew going in that we we would all agree to cancel if all the stars did not line up just perfectly, and that is what has happened.
My cycle was moving a little slow. It's day 15 now, still no LH surge. I have a decent follicle and my lining looks good. But my Estrogen was at 120 yesterday and still the same today - so it has leveled off at a level that the RE feels is not high enough to support the lining. She doesn't want to take a chance and transfer my last two embryos when everything isn't perfect. She probably could boost it up a bit with some supplemental estrogen, but again that wouldn't be the ideal scenario, so we all agree it's better to wait.
So - next time - we'll still go for the natural cycle, but she'll add in just a little bit of follistim in the few days before ovulation, to get the follicle to grow a little more and put out a bit more estrogen. She feels this is better than putting me on supplemental estrogen.
the only problem - to do this again next cycle would put us right in the middle of our planned sailing vacation. So we either delay the cycle or delay the vacation. Right now I'm more inclined to delay the cycle - I feel like we put so much of our lives on hold waiting for these pregnancies to happen. I'd really be pissed if I messed up my vacation plans and the cycle didn't work. Of course, if we changed our vacation plans and the cycyle did work, then it would all be worth it. Nothing we have to decide now - we just hang out until my period comes and then call the clinic to schedule things.
My natural FET cycle for this month has been cancelled. I knew it was a possibility, so I'm not overwhelmingly disappointed, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at all disappointed. I knew going in that we we would all agree to cancel if all the stars did not line up just perfectly, and that is what has happened.
My cycle was moving a little slow. It's day 15 now, still no LH surge. I have a decent follicle and my lining looks good. But my Estrogen was at 120 yesterday and still the same today - so it has leveled off at a level that the RE feels is not high enough to support the lining. She doesn't want to take a chance and transfer my last two embryos when everything isn't perfect. She probably could boost it up a bit with some supplemental estrogen, but again that wouldn't be the ideal scenario, so we all agree it's better to wait.
So - next time - we'll still go for the natural cycle, but she'll add in just a little bit of follistim in the few days before ovulation, to get the follicle to grow a little more and put out a bit more estrogen. She feels this is better than putting me on supplemental estrogen.
the only problem - to do this again next cycle would put us right in the middle of our planned sailing vacation. So we either delay the cycle or delay the vacation. Right now I'm more inclined to delay the cycle - I feel like we put so much of our lives on hold waiting for these pregnancies to happen. I'd really be pissed if I messed up my vacation plans and the cycle didn't work. Of course, if we changed our vacation plans and the cycyle did work, then it would all be worth it. Nothing we have to decide now - we just hang out until my period comes and then call the clinic to schedule things.
Monday, August 24, 2009
a plan
A possible plan, that is. I say "possible", because I reserve the right to cancel at any time. That's the beauty of it.
We are, for the moment, moving forward with a natural FET cycle right away. As in - right now. I went in friday for day 2 monitoring, I starting testing for an LH surge w/ OPKs on day 10 (saturday), and I go for a follicle check ultrasound on day 12 (a week from today). We could potentially be transferring again two weeks from today, if the cycle goes well.
If it all seems a little fast, that's because it is. And that's part of the reason why I am reserving the right to cancel. If I feel like my body or my mind is not ready, then I'll pull the plug. But at least I've got the process going. And the process involves nothing but some monitoring for now, so there's very little physical, emotional or financial investment. It's easy to stop at any time, because there's nothing to be stopped - there are no drugs or hormones for now. A couple days before transfer I'll start a low dose of PIO.
I certainly wouldn't be ready today - I am incredibly drained, physically and emotionally, from the past week. But I think in two weeks I can feel good again. I still intend to have the sit-down with the RE and find out if there is anything we haven't considered that could be causing these FETs to fail. And if she says there is, that some further test might reveal something, then we'll cancel this cycle and do whatever testing we need. But my suspicion is that she will say there is nothing else to be done, it's the luck of the draw, not every embryo makes, etc. And if that's the case, then I'd rather move on sooner than later.
Maybe I'm rushing it. My acupuncturist thinks I am - she would rather see me wait a few months, do a lot of acupuncture, some chinese herbs, etc. But I'm not convinced that these things will make a difference. I just feel like I need to do this to move forward with my life one way or another. If these last two embryos are going to make it, then I want to get there ASAP. If these last two embryos aren't going to make it, then I want to get that over with ASAP.
We are, for the moment, moving forward with a natural FET cycle right away. As in - right now. I went in friday for day 2 monitoring, I starting testing for an LH surge w/ OPKs on day 10 (saturday), and I go for a follicle check ultrasound on day 12 (a week from today). We could potentially be transferring again two weeks from today, if the cycle goes well.
If it all seems a little fast, that's because it is. And that's part of the reason why I am reserving the right to cancel. If I feel like my body or my mind is not ready, then I'll pull the plug. But at least I've got the process going. And the process involves nothing but some monitoring for now, so there's very little physical, emotional or financial investment. It's easy to stop at any time, because there's nothing to be stopped - there are no drugs or hormones for now. A couple days before transfer I'll start a low dose of PIO.
I certainly wouldn't be ready today - I am incredibly drained, physically and emotionally, from the past week. But I think in two weeks I can feel good again. I still intend to have the sit-down with the RE and find out if there is anything we haven't considered that could be causing these FETs to fail. And if she says there is, that some further test might reveal something, then we'll cancel this cycle and do whatever testing we need. But my suspicion is that she will say there is nothing else to be done, it's the luck of the draw, not every embryo makes, etc. And if that's the case, then I'd rather move on sooner than later.
Maybe I'm rushing it. My acupuncturist thinks I am - she would rather see me wait a few months, do a lot of acupuncture, some chinese herbs, etc. But I'm not convinced that these things will make a difference. I just feel like I need to do this to move forward with my life one way or another. If these last two embryos are going to make it, then I want to get there ASAP. If these last two embryos aren't going to make it, then I want to get that over with ASAP.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
the morning after
Yesterday, I felt like I had a hangover all day. I was emotionally drained. I had a couple of good crying sessions on sunday, we feel asleep in each others arms. As I was crying myself to sleep Sunday night, my sister was delivering a baby on the other side of the world. My mother was making posts on facebook about how lucky and blessed we all are - but I wasn't feeling quite so. It was an emotional night.
Today I've been awake since 3:30 with a lot on my mind. Baby stuff, work stuff, house stuff. Just everything. But I'm sure it's the underlying stress that has me awake in the first place.
I sorted out a lot of things while lying in bed for a few hours.
First - putting some words around what's different this time, why this seems so much more painful. It's because these embryos have been more real to me. In all my previous failures, before the twins, the embryos didn't seem all that real to me. They didn't have a life - they were a chance, a possibility, a hope - but they were just cells. I never thought of them as babies. I know a lot of people do, but I never did. But when we had our successful cycle, and transfered two embryos that became two babies, it's like all the other embryos became babies in my mind too. I had 6 little frozen brothers and sisters waiting for us. They became real, they became my babies. And so now, it's not just the failure of a possible pregnancy, not just another try gone bad - but now I feel the loss of two more babies. I really feel like I lost something, like 4 of my babies are now gone. I have two left. They are safe where they are now, and I need to think very carefully about how to bring them into the world. Maybe this all sounds crazy, mabye I've finally gone off the deep end.
In terms of next steps. I know a lot of people will say that I need to wait and let myself heal before I make a plan. But for me the making of the plan is a big part of the healing process. It's how I move on - to believe that there is still hope. And having a plan brings that hope back.
I've been doing a lot of digging - and not just on internet discussion boards - but I've come across several reports and research abstracts, about studies that have been done to look at the difference in outcome in a medicated vs. a natural FET cycle. The conclusions I've seen have said that there is no measurable difference in successs rates with a medicated cycle, that natural cycles have the same success rates. One study found that the natural cycle has slightly higher success rates, that the artificially elevated estrogen levels in a medicated cycle might have an impact on the window for implantation. And I've read the websites of several fertility clinics who say that they have better success with natural cycles. So this is what I want to do. I feel in my head and in my gut that this is the right choice. If the data does not prove out that the artificial hormones and cycle manipulation produce better results, then I don't want to put myself through that again. I will not do another FET cycle with the exact same protocol. Something needs to be different, and this feels right. The question is timing - if my RE will agree to this (there are others here that do it if she does not), then how quickly can we do a transfer.
more later...
Today I've been awake since 3:30 with a lot on my mind. Baby stuff, work stuff, house stuff. Just everything. But I'm sure it's the underlying stress that has me awake in the first place.
I sorted out a lot of things while lying in bed for a few hours.
First - putting some words around what's different this time, why this seems so much more painful. It's because these embryos have been more real to me. In all my previous failures, before the twins, the embryos didn't seem all that real to me. They didn't have a life - they were a chance, a possibility, a hope - but they were just cells. I never thought of them as babies. I know a lot of people do, but I never did. But when we had our successful cycle, and transfered two embryos that became two babies, it's like all the other embryos became babies in my mind too. I had 6 little frozen brothers and sisters waiting for us. They became real, they became my babies. And so now, it's not just the failure of a possible pregnancy, not just another try gone bad - but now I feel the loss of two more babies. I really feel like I lost something, like 4 of my babies are now gone. I have two left. They are safe where they are now, and I need to think very carefully about how to bring them into the world. Maybe this all sounds crazy, mabye I've finally gone off the deep end.
In terms of next steps. I know a lot of people will say that I need to wait and let myself heal before I make a plan. But for me the making of the plan is a big part of the healing process. It's how I move on - to believe that there is still hope. And having a plan brings that hope back.
I've been doing a lot of digging - and not just on internet discussion boards - but I've come across several reports and research abstracts, about studies that have been done to look at the difference in outcome in a medicated vs. a natural FET cycle. The conclusions I've seen have said that there is no measurable difference in successs rates with a medicated cycle, that natural cycles have the same success rates. One study found that the natural cycle has slightly higher success rates, that the artificially elevated estrogen levels in a medicated cycle might have an impact on the window for implantation. And I've read the websites of several fertility clinics who say that they have better success with natural cycles. So this is what I want to do. I feel in my head and in my gut that this is the right choice. If the data does not prove out that the artificial hormones and cycle manipulation produce better results, then I don't want to put myself through that again. I will not do another FET cycle with the exact same protocol. Something needs to be different, and this feels right. The question is timing - if my RE will agree to this (there are others here that do it if she does not), then how quickly can we do a transfer.
more later...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
It's over
Beta went down. The number was something in the 20's, I don't remember exactly what. I stopped listening to the nurse on the phone who was trying to sound very comforting.
The usual drill - stop all meds, come in sometime this week for a repeat beta, schedule a follow up with the doc, wait for the period from hell, blah, blah, blah.
It's better than getting moderately positive news and then waiting two weeks to see nothing on an ultrasound - been there, done that and it sucks. But this sucks too.
It's weird - after every other failed cycle I have known exactly what to do - we would try again as soon as possible. But this time I feel lost. IVF Failure #7. I don't know why this hasn't worked and I'm not sure if trying the exact same thing again is the right thing to do. I feel like I'd be killing the last two embryos if I transferred them back into this body with the exact same protocol. We need to take a step back and re-examine all our options, look at the whole thing with a fresh view. Maybe we get a second opinion again from another RE, maybe we can try a natural FET cycle, maybe we really roll some wild dice and try another fresh cycle with my embryos, maybe we try a fresh cycle with a different egg donor, maybe we adopt. We need to reconsider all options. I am not ready to give up on having more children - but perhaps this current path is not working out. For the first time in several years, my path is unclear.
This painful. Perhaps even more painful than before. Because it's a wound that I thought was healed. And it has opened up again. And I think to re-open an old injury is maybe more painful than the original injury. I thought I had put this pain past me. I'm very confused. Angry. Sad. Mostly sad.
The only thing I know for sure is that I will be hugging my kids when they wake up from their nap, and then I will be having several glasses of wine this evening.
The usual drill - stop all meds, come in sometime this week for a repeat beta, schedule a follow up with the doc, wait for the period from hell, blah, blah, blah.
It's better than getting moderately positive news and then waiting two weeks to see nothing on an ultrasound - been there, done that and it sucks. But this sucks too.
It's weird - after every other failed cycle I have known exactly what to do - we would try again as soon as possible. But this time I feel lost. IVF Failure #7. I don't know why this hasn't worked and I'm not sure if trying the exact same thing again is the right thing to do. I feel like I'd be killing the last two embryos if I transferred them back into this body with the exact same protocol. We need to take a step back and re-examine all our options, look at the whole thing with a fresh view. Maybe we get a second opinion again from another RE, maybe we can try a natural FET cycle, maybe we really roll some wild dice and try another fresh cycle with my embryos, maybe we try a fresh cycle with a different egg donor, maybe we adopt. We need to reconsider all options. I am not ready to give up on having more children - but perhaps this current path is not working out. For the first time in several years, my path is unclear.
This painful. Perhaps even more painful than before. Because it's a wound that I thought was healed. And it has opened up again. And I think to re-open an old injury is maybe more painful than the original injury. I thought I had put this pain past me. I'm very confused. Angry. Sad. Mostly sad.
The only thing I know for sure is that I will be hugging my kids when they wake up from their nap, and then I will be having several glasses of wine this evening.
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