Thanks so much to all of you for your comments. It's so nice to know that so many people are following and hoping the best for me - it really does help.
I'm doing better after my pity party of last week. It's been interesting - this negative result hit us both harder than we thought it would. Jim was pretty low too - and feeling very shocked at how low he was. He said "It's so strange, here I am almost 50 years old, and I'm really depressed that my wife's not pregnant". But we're doing better. We got out on our boat for a couple days last weekend, which is great for taking ones mind off things. The kids are great and remind me every day of how blessed I already am. My work prospects are looking up - this is the end of the FY for the company I am consulting for, so all contracts have to be renewed. Nothing guaranteed yet, but it's looking positive that my contract will get renewed for the same high fee I'm already charging them, and I might have a line on a second contract - the two combined would have me bringing in a tidy sum over the next year. Nothing like $$ to make you feel better about yourself.
And of course I'm already in progress for the next try. I'm on the BCPs now - after the blood bath of the century - the lovely post-IVF period from hell. That's always like adding the final insult to the whole thing. I start Lupron again on July 6th and we are aiming for transfer around the first week in august. I'll remain hopeful and positive - our chances should still be very good - but I won't have the unrealistic 'can't fail' approach that I had this last time. I learned that lesson.
I've caught up on a lot of blogs this evening - sorry I didn't leave any comments - I've got limited time and I wanted to make sure I got caught up with everyone. There's a lot of good news in the blog world - congrats to all of you. And there's some not so good news - I've been there, I'm thinking of you.
I'm on my own with the kids until monday now - Jim has taken off to visit his dad for a few days.
Also a reminder - I also post on a public family blog under my real name - that is where I post updates about my kids, all kinds of pictures and stuff. I feel it's better to keep that content off this site, as I know how it feels to read about kids on an IF blog. But if you want the address of the other blog, just email me - whatifthis at hotmail dot com - if I recognize your name as a commenter here, or your blog name, I'll email you the link. I know some people asked me for it a while back and I think I neglected to answer a few emails - sorry about that - please try again and I promise I'll respond this time. I'm also on FB under my real name - I give that one out a little more selectively, but I'l add you if I know you pretty well.
got to go get some sleep now - I have my hands full for the next few days.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Infertility
Infertility....
...is depressing
...is devastating
...is exhausting
...is not fair
...is expensive
...is painful
...is disruptive
...is discriminatory
...is lonely
...is isolating
...is time consuming
...is hard on relationships
...is hard on your body
...is hard on your soul
...is draining
...is unmotivating
...is sad
...hurts
...leaves scars
...is emotional
...makes you angry
...makes you doubt yourself
...makes you want to crawl in a hole
...makes you jealous
...makes you judgemental
...makes you feel like a failure
Oh, and did I mention - Infertility SUCKS!
Feel free to join my pity party and add to the list.
...is depressing
...is devastating
...is exhausting
...is not fair
...is expensive
...is painful
...is disruptive
...is discriminatory
...is lonely
...is isolating
...is time consuming
...is hard on relationships
...is hard on your body
...is hard on your soul
...is draining
...is unmotivating
...is sad
...hurts
...leaves scars
...is emotional
...makes you angry
...makes you doubt yourself
...makes you want to crawl in a hole
...makes you jealous
...makes you judgemental
...makes you feel like a failure
Oh, and did I mention - Infertility SUCKS!
Feel free to join my pity party and add to the list.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
another day, another schedule
Well I did go out and get a bit drunk last night. We went for sushi, I ate all the raw fish I could hold and a drank great deal of sake. I felt much better last night. Today - I'm feeling the effects of the sake.
And because I'm not one to sit back and take a break - I talked to the coordinator - we can start up again right away. We still have to do the full course though - so that means starting again on the BCPs as soon as I get my period, then the lupron, etc. Depending on how quickly I get my period, we're looking at attempting another transfer at the end of July or the first week in August. She said the RE might want to do a mock transfer at some point, just to be sure she has her 'route' around my c-section scar figured out ahead of time.
that's it for today. now trying to get over my hangover and get some work done.
And because I'm not one to sit back and take a break - I talked to the coordinator - we can start up again right away. We still have to do the full course though - so that means starting again on the BCPs as soon as I get my period, then the lupron, etc. Depending on how quickly I get my period, we're looking at attempting another transfer at the end of July or the first week in August. She said the RE might want to do a mock transfer at some point, just to be sure she has her 'route' around my c-section scar figured out ahead of time.
that's it for today. now trying to get over my hangover and get some work done.
Monday, June 15, 2009
it's official
no shock - the official beta result is negative. Thanks to all of you for your very supportive comments.
My coordinator is out on mondays, so I've left her a message asking her to call me as soon as possible tomorrow. I want to know how quickly I can go again. Since this was an FET, I'm wondering if they will let me just stay suppressed, have a period, build up the lining and try again in a few weeks. Frankly I highly doubt it, but it can't hurt to ask. My RE is conservative, she probably will want me to take a cycle off, then start all over with the BCPs, etc. blech.
Tonight - I think I will be eating raw fish and drinking too much sake.
and then - some weight loss is in order. I've been eating like a pregnant woman for a few weeks, on all these hormones, indulging my every craving. And plumping up right nicely - so it's time to get that back under control.
But fuck - I'm just pissed today. I don't usually drop the F-bombs, but today I feel justified. I feel infertile again. Back are those old feelings of being a failure - of having a body who can't do this right. For a brief time, I didn't. I had such great success with the first transfer of DE embryos, that I almost considered it my infertility 'cure' - I could have as many babies as I wanted, because I had 6 frozen embroys, every one of which was going to turn into a viable pregnancy. Now that fantasy is dashed. I know it was stupid to begin with.
And now I have been kicked back down into my place - infertile. broken. unable to succeed at the one thing I want to do.
I have been wanting to be pregnant for so many years now - with the exeception of my 9 month pregnancy that went by too fast, there hasn't been a day in the last 6+ years that I haven't been actively thinking about wanting to be pregnant. Even from the day my twins were born, I knew I wanted to be pregnant again and I was thinking about when I was going to do it.
Now I have work to do, and chores to do. But what I really want to do is curl up and go to sleep.
My coordinator is out on mondays, so I've left her a message asking her to call me as soon as possible tomorrow. I want to know how quickly I can go again. Since this was an FET, I'm wondering if they will let me just stay suppressed, have a period, build up the lining and try again in a few weeks. Frankly I highly doubt it, but it can't hurt to ask. My RE is conservative, she probably will want me to take a cycle off, then start all over with the BCPs, etc. blech.
Tonight - I think I will be eating raw fish and drinking too much sake.
and then - some weight loss is in order. I've been eating like a pregnant woman for a few weeks, on all these hormones, indulging my every craving. And plumping up right nicely - so it's time to get that back under control.
But fuck - I'm just pissed today. I don't usually drop the F-bombs, but today I feel justified. I feel infertile again. Back are those old feelings of being a failure - of having a body who can't do this right. For a brief time, I didn't. I had such great success with the first transfer of DE embryos, that I almost considered it my infertility 'cure' - I could have as many babies as I wanted, because I had 6 frozen embroys, every one of which was going to turn into a viable pregnancy. Now that fantasy is dashed. I know it was stupid to begin with.
And now I have been kicked back down into my place - infertile. broken. unable to succeed at the one thing I want to do.
I have been wanting to be pregnant for so many years now - with the exeception of my 9 month pregnancy that went by too fast, there hasn't been a day in the last 6+ years that I haven't been actively thinking about wanting to be pregnant. Even from the day my twins were born, I knew I wanted to be pregnant again and I was thinking about when I was going to do it.
Now I have work to do, and chores to do. But what I really want to do is curl up and go to sleep.
not what I expected to be writing today
I fully expected this cycle to work. I really never considered the alternative. I mean, why shouldn't it - perfect lining, perfect embryos. It was a batch of embryos that gave me two perfect babies. I figured I had 6 more babies sitting in the cryo just waiting for me. I had the never to wonder what I would do with the remaining 4 after these two resulted in another twin pregnancy.
If you haven't been following me on twitter - the news is that I did POAS last night and it was negative. I'm not one of these people who holds out every last shred of hope for the 'real' result, I've been here too many times before - if I had a (viable) pregnancy, it would have shown up on that test. I'll get the official results this afternoon, but as far as I'm concerned, this is over. I did not do my PIO this morning. (don't give me a hard time about that - if she calls with some stupid low beta I'll do the PIO asap, and a few hours isn't going to make a difference).
I had plans around this pregnancy. That's how confident I was. And that's so stupid. I of all people should know better than that. But I just thought - every other BFN I've ever seen was because of my fucked up eggs - and these embryos are perfect, they wouldn't let me down.
The random stream running through my head for the last 12 hours consists of things like this...
If you haven't been following me on twitter - the news is that I did POAS last night and it was negative. I'm not one of these people who holds out every last shred of hope for the 'real' result, I've been here too many times before - if I had a (viable) pregnancy, it would have shown up on that test. I'll get the official results this afternoon, but as far as I'm concerned, this is over. I did not do my PIO this morning. (don't give me a hard time about that - if she calls with some stupid low beta I'll do the PIO asap, and a few hours isn't going to make a difference).
I had plans around this pregnancy. That's how confident I was. And that's so stupid. I of all people should know better than that. But I just thought - every other BFN I've ever seen was because of my fucked up eggs - and these embryos are perfect, they wouldn't let me down.
The random stream running through my head for the last 12 hours consists of things like this...
- shit
- fuck
- what an idiot.
- why? Why? WHY?
- what an idiot I am for being so confident.
- WHY?
- how quickly can I try again? will they let me go right away again next month?
- now what do I do?
- damn, this sucks.
- was I getting too greedy?
It's so lame, but I sit here thinking how this totally ruins my summer plans. I had all these great plans about buying maternity clothes, how we would announce our news, the great pregnancy pictures I would have. I put things off because I assumed I'd be pregnant - I need some summer clothes, but I avoided buying them. I've been making business plans assuming that I'd be off work for the spring. And I know better than to do all that. I know better.
I'm sure I will experience a range of emotions. But today I am angry. Angry at myself. Angry at the Universe or God or whatever power there may be that lets (or makes) things like this happen.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
yeah, about that 2ww thing
ok, so now I'd be totally lying if I tried to say that the waiting and wondering wasn't starting to get to me. I can only try to ignore it for so long.
Oh yes, the analyzing every little twinge, wondering if it's too early to test, starting off into space when I really have things I need to be getting done, etc., etc. It's all there.
Only 4 days left. I can be strong.
We have told nobody IRL about this cycle. Well, small exception - I have one friend who knows, she's the friend from my original TTC board who very generously agreed to watch my kids during the transfer. She's the only person IRL who knows - otherwise it's just you all in the blogging world, and my online friends from my IVF board. But I swear my mother has a sixth sense - I hear a tone in her voice, like she feels like she knows that something is going on that I'm not telling her about. She's like that - she knows things. But we didn't want to make a big deal about this cycle, have to answer questions, have everyone wanting updates, etc. - BTDT. Our big plan is to make a big announcement in person when we go to San Diego in the middle of July. Assuming this all works out of course. We really want to hold out with the news so that we can tell everyone in person, I think it will be really cool.
So hopefully I will have that positive news to share in July...
Oh yes, the analyzing every little twinge, wondering if it's too early to test, starting off into space when I really have things I need to be getting done, etc., etc. It's all there.
Only 4 days left. I can be strong.
We have told nobody IRL about this cycle. Well, small exception - I have one friend who knows, she's the friend from my original TTC board who very generously agreed to watch my kids during the transfer. She's the only person IRL who knows - otherwise it's just you all in the blogging world, and my online friends from my IVF board. But I swear my mother has a sixth sense - I hear a tone in her voice, like she feels like she knows that something is going on that I'm not telling her about. She's like that - she knows things. But we didn't want to make a big deal about this cycle, have to answer questions, have everyone wanting updates, etc. - BTDT. Our big plan is to make a big announcement in person when we go to San Diego in the middle of July. Assuming this all works out of course. We really want to hold out with the news so that we can tell everyone in person, I think it will be really cool.
So hopefully I will have that positive news to share in July...
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
the procrastination
wow, I am seriously procrastinating today. I have work I need to do, to present for a meeting tomorrow, that I haven't even started. Perhaps just a little bit of 2ww obsessing is starting to creep in after all, because I have gotten sucked into the blogosphere rabbit hole in a bad way. But the good news is that I have been catching up on a lot of blogs that I have terribly neglected in recent months.
Along the lines of neglect - my sidebar was in a terrible state of woe. I had people listed as pregnant who delivered a baby over a year ago - so that gives you some idea of how long it's been since I've updated it. I'm sorry to say that a lot of the blogs I used to read appear to no longer be active, I hope those bloggers are doing well. Anyway - I've taken down all my blog lists and I will be rebuilding my list of links ASAP.
Along the lines of neglect - my sidebar was in a terrible state of woe. I had people listed as pregnant who delivered a baby over a year ago - so that gives you some idea of how long it's been since I've updated it. I'm sorry to say that a lot of the blogs I used to read appear to no longer be active, I hope those bloggers are doing well. Anyway - I've taken down all my blog lists and I will be rebuilding my list of links ASAP.
the waiting
The nice thing about a blast transfer is that the '2 week wait' is only 10 days. So that helps. I'm now on day 4 - almost half way. It really hasn't been very bad yet, not nearly has hard as my previous waiting periods. I think having two toddlers to distract you is very helpful.
I'm still mostly not planning to POAS. I don't currently have any in the house. I'm toying with the idea of buying one to use on Sunday night. My beta is monday and Jim will be in an all-day conference and we won't be able to be together for the phone call. So I might do one sunday night just so we can get a test result together. But we'll see.
I'm feeling fine. I keep thinking that I'm feeling little things - slight pulling, minor cramping. But as any of you who have been through this before will know all too well, it's so hard to say whether that really is something I'm feeling, or it's the brain playing tricks on me - making more out of little twinges that are always already there but you normally don't pay any attention to.
PIO is still going just fine. We had one instance where I think he hit a nerve or something as he went in - yowza! instant shock. So he pulled out and started over in a different spot, and all was fine. I swear by the heading pad and the smaller needle - the combination of the two makes a huge difference.
I am still wearing the estrogen patches on my stomach - 2 patches that I change every other day. Callie is very fascinated with the 'tape' on mommy's tummy - she asks for tape when she sees my patches. She's watched me get the PIO shot a couple times and I think she was very curious about that. And interestingly enough - I took them to the pediatrician last thursday for a shot (we are spacing out their immunizations, so we go every month or two for just one shot at at time), and Callie didn't even make a peep when she got her shot. Not sure if she didn't notice because the nurse was so good and fast, or maybe if watching mommy get a shot and seeing that it's no big deal maybe had some effect on her - she's a very perceptive little girl.
that's all for now...
I'm still mostly not planning to POAS. I don't currently have any in the house. I'm toying with the idea of buying one to use on Sunday night. My beta is monday and Jim will be in an all-day conference and we won't be able to be together for the phone call. So I might do one sunday night just so we can get a test result together. But we'll see.
I'm feeling fine. I keep thinking that I'm feeling little things - slight pulling, minor cramping. But as any of you who have been through this before will know all too well, it's so hard to say whether that really is something I'm feeling, or it's the brain playing tricks on me - making more out of little twinges that are always already there but you normally don't pay any attention to.
PIO is still going just fine. We had one instance where I think he hit a nerve or something as he went in - yowza! instant shock. So he pulled out and started over in a different spot, and all was fine. I swear by the heading pad and the smaller needle - the combination of the two makes a huge difference.
I am still wearing the estrogen patches on my stomach - 2 patches that I change every other day. Callie is very fascinated with the 'tape' on mommy's tummy - she asks for tape when she sees my patches. She's watched me get the PIO shot a couple times and I think she was very curious about that. And interestingly enough - I took them to the pediatrician last thursday for a shot (we are spacing out their immunizations, so we go every month or two for just one shot at at time), and Callie didn't even make a peep when she got her shot. Not sure if she didn't notice because the nurse was so good and fast, or maybe if watching mommy get a shot and seeing that it's no big deal maybe had some effect on her - she's a very perceptive little girl.
that's all for now...
Saturday, June 06, 2009
the transfer - not what I was prepared for.
thanks to everyone for their well wishes for yesterday.
I had intended to update yesterday, but I was pretty wiped out.
The transfer was rough, I was totally not prepared for it, and it really took a lot out of me. Every transfer I've had before (6, for those who are counting), has been easy. But this time was not so.
My c-section scar apparently was in the way - she had a really hard time getting the catheter to make the turn around the scar, so she had to get out a few other instruments to try to straighten out the opening and make the turn with the catheter, and all the while having the assistant pushing really hard on my bladder, to try to use the bladder to push the uterus down a little. I was painful and took a long time. I was trying really hard to breathe through the pain, and squeezing the heck out of Jim's hand.
But, she finally got around the scar and got the catheter in the right place and got the embryos where she wanted them. I shed a few tears when it was all over, I think just finally releasing something after trying to manage through the pain.
The good news - the embroys looked great, one was already hatching out and the other was fully expanded and she said was getting ready to hatch. They only had to thaw two, so we still have 4 in the freezer. She said the difficult transfer shouldn't affect the outcome at all. So we'll see.
I'm trying to take it easy today - as much as is reallly possible with two toddlers. But Jim is doing his best to manage them. I think they'll probably end up watching more recorded sesame street than we normally allow, but I guess that's ok for a day. And my step-father called this morning and wanted to come for a visit on his way through town, so I had to pull a simple lunch together. But now I'm resting again with my feet up.
So now the obsessive watch for symptoms begins. I am currently not planning to POAS, but you never know...
I had intended to update yesterday, but I was pretty wiped out.
The transfer was rough, I was totally not prepared for it, and it really took a lot out of me. Every transfer I've had before (6, for those who are counting), has been easy. But this time was not so.
My c-section scar apparently was in the way - she had a really hard time getting the catheter to make the turn around the scar, so she had to get out a few other instruments to try to straighten out the opening and make the turn with the catheter, and all the while having the assistant pushing really hard on my bladder, to try to use the bladder to push the uterus down a little. I was painful and took a long time. I was trying really hard to breathe through the pain, and squeezing the heck out of Jim's hand.
But, she finally got around the scar and got the catheter in the right place and got the embryos where she wanted them. I shed a few tears when it was all over, I think just finally releasing something after trying to manage through the pain.
I've had a few minor twinges today, maybe cramping or maybe just soreness from having my cervix manipulated so much yesterday. And I was completely exhausted by 9:00 last night.
The good news - the embroys looked great, one was already hatching out and the other was fully expanded and she said was getting ready to hatch. They only had to thaw two, so we still have 4 in the freezer. She said the difficult transfer shouldn't affect the outcome at all. So we'll see.
I'm trying to take it easy today - as much as is reallly possible with two toddlers. But Jim is doing his best to manage them. I think they'll probably end up watching more recorded sesame street than we normally allow, but I guess that's ok for a day. And my step-father called this morning and wanted to come for a visit on his way through town, so I had to pull a simple lunch together. But now I'm resting again with my feet up.
So now the obsessive watch for symptoms begins. I am currently not planning to POAS, but you never know...
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