Tuesday, October 09, 2007

journal entries

Even though I haven't been posting, I have been writing some journal entries offline. I'm mostly caught up now, so hopefully I'll be better about keeping the blog updated regularly now. We'll see.

Saturday, 10/6 – 15 days old
Last night we gave the babies baths again. Daniel was having one of his bad gas spells right before, but I nursed him a little and that seemed to help, and we thought the warm water might be soothing as well. Either that or he would scream no matter what. Because his umbilical cord has fallen off, Daniel got to actually sit in the little tub of water. I thought he would scream, because he typically hates being naked. But I think he liked the warm water – he was very calm and quiet the whole time. He’s so funny and little – his little naked body is so cute in that tub of water.

I got my wedding rings on for the first time in months. And I now weight just one pound more than when I got pregnant. I gained about 38 lbs through the pregnancy – or at least from my 8 week OB visit baseline weight. So in the last 2 weeks I have lost 37 pounds! I think I actually lost fat while I was pregnant, and all the weight was babies and water.

I really appreciate that everyone wants to come visit, but the social interaction drains my energy and emotional reserves. It ended up being a pretty full day, and I’m totally drained.

This is all so amazing and wonderful, I’m afraid it will go by too fast. I’m afraid I’ll forget what it feels like. It’s such a fleeting moment in my life. Their smell, their soft skin and hair, their perfect tiny little hands and faces. I love to stare at them, to look in their eyes. I feel so blessed to have them, they are amazing little miracles.

I know they are going to grow up so fast. And these precious newborn moments will soon be gone. I know that every stage will be filled with amazing moments, but right now I want this stage to last longer than I know it will. I sometimes find it hard to have visitors, because I feel like I want to keep these precious moments all to ourselves, I don’t want to share this time – there is so little of it.

The same way the pregnancy went by so fast. As anxious as I was to meet them, I didn’t want the pregnancy to end. It was beautiful. I loved the way it felt to have them inside me. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I wonder if I’ll ever have the chance. So many women take a second pregnancy for granted – like “been there, done that” – I would never do that. If I ever get to have that experience again, I will treasure every moment of it.

I’m having a very hard time emotionally. I don’t know if it’s just exhaustion plus hormones, or if it’s something more. I feel emotionally overwhelmed a lot. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I don’t want Jim to go back to work, I don’t want to be away from him. I need him a lot right now.

Sunday, 10/7 – 16 days old
I guess I’m still pretty drained from yesterday, I’m incredibly emotional today.

I’m feeling crowded, smothered in my own house. I’m not used to having another person around all the time, I’m used to a lot of privacy. Ruth of course is a huge help, but I’m having a hard time with having someone with us all the time. I feel like I have no private time or space.
We weighed Callie at home today – on a kitchen scale we bought. Our scale shows that she weighs 6 lbs, 11 ounces – her birth weight. We are hoping that we can see her weight go up on a daily basis, and give us some reassurance that we’re feeding her correctly.

I’m struggling with the balance between breastfeeding and supplementing. I don’t know how I get to a point where they will be full just from breastfeeding. They seem to drink well for a while and will act like they’re done – they either fall asleep or just pull away and I can’t get them back on. But then very soon after they start acting hungry again. If we give them bottles they will suck down a couple ounces. So how do a get to a point where they will get enough just from the breast? My milk supply is good – I can pump 4 – 6 or even more ounces at a time, so it seems like they should be able to get enough.

Their hair has grown – particularly at the back of their heads, it seems longer. And Callie’s hair seems to be growing in a little lighter, it looks more golden. Daniel’s eyelashes have grown – at first he had these tiny little short eyelashes that you could barely see – maybe an eighth of an inch long, and now they are all uneven – he still has the short ones, but some long ones have also grown in.

My husband amazes me. I love to watch him interact with the babies. I love to see how much he is in love with them. The way he talks to them is so cute. I think we both knew he wanted this and we both knew it would be really cool – but the feelings are way stronger than either of us could have imagined.

He is especially enamored with our little girl. I think perhaps because he never envisioned having a little girl – he had no idea how captivated he would be with her. And I am probably reacting the same way to our little boy. I never really thought about having a boy, I’ve always wanted a girl. I always knew I would have a daughter, and that she would be beautiful and perfect and I would be in love with her. But I never thought about a boy – frankly I was a little afraid of having a boy. And so my feelings for him have taken me by surprise, I can’t believe how much I can love the little guy.

And Jim is so wonderful and supportive of me. He was amazing throughout the entire pregnancy, taking such good care of me. And now during the times when I’m really struggling he says the most loving things to me. Every experience we have in our marriage brings us closer together, and this is the same – I think we are more in love now than ever. Despite the sleepless nights, we feel more drawn to each other than ever before. In the days right after the babies were born, he kept saying to me “look what you made”.

Monday 10/8 – 17 days old
Last night was pretty good night. The babies slept almost 4 hours at a time, we were up at 1am and 5am and then not again until almost 10am. So I’m feeling pretty good today.

Grandma Ruth put our second swing together, so now both babies are napping in their dueling swings.

While tandem nursing this morning, it almost looks like they are looking at each other. And it seems like maybe their eyes are getting a little lighter – they’re still gray, but it’s easier to distinguish the pupil, they’re not so dark.

Callie weighed 6lbs 13 ozs on our home scale today. Daniel weighs 7lbs and about 8 or 9 ounces. It’s not quite exact, because they won’t really stay still enough for this scale.

Callie has started making little sucking motions even when she doesn’t have a nipple in her mouth – especially right after you take the nipple out, she keeps sucking for a few seconds.

I am struggling with this breastfeeding business. I want to do it. But in order to get a full meal in both of them, we are breastfeeding (even tandem) for the better part of an hour each time. They just don’t drink very fast at the breast, so it takes a long time to get them enough. With the bottles they can get full so much faster. I know that the breastfeeding is a commitment, and I know it’s not supposed to be easy at first. I just wonder how long it takes before they will be getting a full meal in less than an hour. It’s tempting to just pump and give them bottles, but I don’t want to give up on the breastfeeding. It is very special time with them, I just feel like it takes so long every time. We’ll get it figured out. But for now it’s just a lot of work. I wish it didn’t feel so much like work, I wish it could be more relaxing. I’m trying to breastfeed during the day as much as I can, and we are doing bottles and pumping at night.

In the first week, when Daniel was having such troubles, I felt a lot of guilt. Did we take them out too soon? Were we too anxious? Nurses & doctors in the hospital kept commenting about them being 37-weekers, and that they were early. But we thought that 37 weeks was fine, the OB said he likes to deliver twins around 37 weeks. We didn’t push for 37 weeks. But should we have pushed to keep them in longer? Would he have had an easier time if we had left them in, even for a few more days? I don’t know. But I guess it’s a little question that will always be there in the background.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Although I have *no* idea how challenging it must be to nurse twins, I think you'll just feel so proud of yourself if you keep it up. Remember, they might suck down those bottles real quick, but it also takes time to pump to get the milk in those bottles, and washing them takes time too ... and heating them ... and going to the store to buy new nipples. But seriously, you should congratulate yourself on how HARD you're working and how much GOOD it is doing your babies. I hear so often how frustrated people get when they give up on breastfeeding too early and wish they could go back. And they ARE little ... keep that in mind. They WILL get better. You'd probably be sitting there holding them anyway, wouldn't you?

Enjoy this time with those little ones. It really goes by SO fast, and this is the most precious time. Seeing those little babies makes me almost want another one ... almost. If I could skip out on the toddler years, maybe.