the morning after

Yesterday, I felt like I had a hangover all day. I was emotionally drained. I had a couple of good crying sessions on sunday, we feel asleep in each others arms. As I was crying myself to sleep Sunday night, my sister was delivering a baby on the other side of the world. My mother was making posts on facebook about how lucky and blessed we all are - but I wasn't feeling quite so. It was an emotional night.

Today I've been awake since 3:30 with a lot on my mind. Baby stuff, work stuff, house stuff. Just everything. But I'm sure it's the underlying stress that has me awake in the first place.

I sorted out a lot of things while lying in bed for a few hours.

First - putting some words around what's different this time, why this seems so much more painful. It's because these embryos have been more real to me. In all my previous failures, before the twins, the embryos didn't seem all that real to me. They didn't have a life - they were a chance, a possibility, a hope - but they were just cells. I never thought of them as babies. I know a lot of people do, but I never did. But when we had our successful cycle, and transfered two embryos that became two babies, it's like all the other embryos became babies in my mind too. I had 6 little frozen brothers and sisters waiting for us. They became real, they became my babies. And so now, it's not just the failure of a possible pregnancy, not just another try gone bad - but now I feel the loss of two more babies. I really feel like I lost something, like 4 of my babies are now gone. I have two left. They are safe where they are now, and I need to think very carefully about how to bring them into the world. Maybe this all sounds crazy, mabye I've finally gone off the deep end.

In terms of next steps. I know a lot of people will say that I need to wait and let myself heal before I make a plan. But for me the making of the plan is a big part of the healing process. It's how I move on - to believe that there is still hope. And having a plan brings that hope back.

I've been doing a lot of digging - and not just on internet discussion boards - but I've come across several reports and research abstracts, about studies that have been done to look at the difference in outcome in a medicated vs. a natural FET cycle. The conclusions I've seen have said that there is no measurable difference in successs rates with a medicated cycle, that natural cycles have the same success rates. One study found that the natural cycle has slightly higher success rates, that the artificially elevated estrogen levels in a medicated cycle might have an impact on the window for implantation. And I've read the websites of several fertility clinics who say that they have better success with natural cycles. So this is what I want to do. I feel in my head and in my gut that this is the right choice. If the data does not prove out that the artificial hormones and cycle manipulation produce better results, then I don't want to put myself through that again. I will not do another FET cycle with the exact same protocol. Something needs to be different, and this feels right. The question is timing - if my RE will agree to this (there are others here that do it if she does not), then how quickly can we do a transfer.

more later...