one more day

I had a dream last night about bleeding. Years ago - like in my teens and 20's - I would dream of getting my period every month, and the very next day I would get it. I haven't had that experience in years, but still, it's not an encouraging sign.

For most of my negative IVF cycles (that would be 6 for anyone who's counting), I have had a bit of spotting the day before my beta. If I have any spotting today I'll be fairly sure it's over. But if not, maybe I'll hold out a little hope.

Still no other symptoms. Maybe the boobs are a little sore this morning. But certainly it hasn't increased.

There's a funny thing about symptoms though - I'm a little bit of a believer of these things being somewhat in your head. Here's why I think that.... Early in my IVF days I had one miscarriage - or blighted ovum, or empty sac - call it what you want. I had a low beta that did double strongly. I had quite a bit of nausea for those few weeks. Right up until the day that I had my ultrasound and saw that the pregnancy wasn't viable. The nausea went away instantly. As soon as my brain knew that there was no 'real' pregnancy - the pregnancy symptoms went away. It was wierd.

I don't know what that means for this - or if this story has any relevance for today. But I was just thinking of it as I was brushing my hair this morning, and pondering the whole symptoms or no symptoms thing.

Hair which, by the way, is getting cut this afternoon. Normally I like my hair pretty long and I just let the guy trim it. But I'm considering doing something a bit more drastic today, I feel like I need freshening up.

Also - I bought a bunch of new clothes the other day. It was retail therapy for sure. Clothes that will not fit very shortly if I am pregnant. But clothes that might help me feel a little better if I'm not. They're all still in my car in bags with the tags on. If the test happens to be positive I'll return them. If not, I have a new not pregnant wardrobe.