Thursday, October 28, 2010

away

I've been away so long. This blog was about my infertility journey, and that chapter of my life is closed, so I don't really plan on coming back here.

I have two beautiful baby girls. They were born via scheduled c-section at exactly 38 weeks on July 7th, 2010. They were both breech, so the c-section was our only option. Baby A - Sarah Elizabeth - was 6 pounds 8 ounces, 19 inches long. Baby B - Julianne Carol - was 7 pounds 11 ounces, 20 inches long. A lot of baby! Even my OB was shocked at their sizes - no wonder I was so huge and uncomfortable, especially the last few weeks. They were both very healthy.

The last few months has been a blur - 4 babies in the house is crazy. Danny and Callie have handled their new sisters like champs - they love the babies and they are very gentle and sweet with them. The babies are a little more challenging than Danny and Callie were, we've dealt with Lactose Intolerance, dairy sensitivity, and now reflux. Overall it's not bad, but we knew that we were spoiled with how easy C & D were as babies, so some days we feel like we are figuring it out all over again. But they are beautiful, and they get more beautiful every day.

If anyone is still checking here... you can now find me at my family blog - jimandorlisa.blogspot.com. These days that blog is mostly populated with pictures of the kids. I also don't check the email associated with this blog very often, so if you want to reach me just leave a comment on the other blog with your email address (comments are hidden, so noone else will see your email). And I'm on facebook too - also leave me a comment on the family blog if you want to know how to find me there.

Life on the other side of infertility is interesting. You're never really on the other side of it. You never recover from the scars. I will never stop thinking about the pain that I went through, and there will always be a little part of me that will wish that I could get pregnant naturally. Honestly I would love to have more kids, I love being a mom. But 4 is enough really, I can't afford the help that would be required to manage more than 4. And anyway, the well is dry. My egg source has her own life now, a husband and child of her own, and I wouldn't ask her to do for me again what she did once.

I still wonder about the embryos that didn't make it. I will always wonder who those babies might have become. And secretly, late at night, when I'm holding one of my little babies, I whisper into their ears about all the little angel brothers and sisters they have in heaven looking over them. There were so many. There are little parts of me that still think that something I did caused those babies not to live, something wrong with my body caused them to not implant and grow and live the lives they were meant to live. There will always be a little guilt about that. But, on the other hand, if we had frozen embryos left now then I would be conflicted about what to do with them. I would want them.

signing out for now....

11 comments:

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JV said...

It's good to read your update - congratulations on your beautiful girls! I know what you mean, I also often think of the ones that didn't make it and wonder... And if there were embryos left I would want them too...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the link to your other blog, and a big congratulations! I've been checking in every now and then to see how the new twins were doing. All of your kids are beautiful!

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Dylan said...

Keep The Faith, Chin up. God Be with you and may he comfort you.

andy said...

It's good to read your update - congratulations on your beautiful girls! I know what you mean, I also often think of the ones that didn't make it and wonder... And if there were embryos left I would want them too..

Four said...

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Anonymous said...

Your blog is amazing! I'm so happy for you! I was diagnosed with PCOS long time ago. My only chance to become a mother was ed ivf. I had doubts, many thoughts never left my mind! The greatest fear was that I will not be able to love child, who is not genetically related to me. It's much more easier for man to accept this procedure, because a baby will be from him. As it was my only way out, I decided we should try. It was a difficult, but the result changed our lives! I wanted a baby who I will carry and give birth by myself. I wanted to be with him from the moment of his birth, from his first breath. Of course, I wanted baby to look like us. But as soon as the doctor made an embryo transfer, the only thing I was thinking about was pregnancy to be successful and my baby to be born healthy! Now, when I remember how I suffered and couldn't bear the thought that I have to resort to donor eggs, I cannot help laughing. My child is at home right now and every time I look at him, I see that every day he more and more looks like me. I raise healthy and, of course, the most beautiful baby in the world! I underwent de ivf in Ukrainian biotexcom. We asked our doctor to find egg donor, who will have same features as I have. We sent information about the desirable characteristics of the donor to the clinic. We indicated height, weight, hair color, eyes color, nose, face and lips shape. Generally saying, all features we needed. Then the clinic found three donors corresponding to our phenotypes and sent us info about them. And then we chose the one, who suited us the most. Speaking about egg donors and their health. All requirements to donors were specified in the package we've chosen. First requirement is age of donor. All their donors are 18 – 25 years old. Second requirement is perfect physical and mental health. And third requirement is absence of genetic diseases in the donor and her family. So we were absolutely sure in health of our donor. Now I have absolutely no feeling that my son is not mine genetically! No one can ever tell he is from donor egg. We decided not to tell our parents the whole truth. For them we had ivf with my eggs and my husband's sperm. Girls, I wish all of you all the best!