When we first started IVF, I joined an online discussion board. The whole concept of all this fertility stuff was so new to me, I thought it was a good idea to connect with some peers who were going through IVF at the same time as me, so I could get some questions answered.
Most of the ladies on the board were IF vets - they had been through all kinds of procedures, surgeries, drugs, IUI, etc., before ending up with IVF. Some had been trying for 10 years.
But I hadn't been down that road. Because our initial diagnosis was just male factor. J's counts were so low that they told us that IUI wouldn't work. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200. Go straight to IVF. Ok. Great. This should be a piece of cake. Because I'm fertile. No problem. We'll get pg on the first try.
So I found myself in the midst of all these IF vets thinking: "well, I'm here because I'm doing IVF and so are you. But really I'm not one of you. I'm not infertile. There's nothing wrong with me." At first I felt a little distant from them, like I couldn't relate to them. Really I couldn't at that point, I had not been through all the years of physical and emotional pain that they had been through. I was naive.
But then, they started getting pregnant, one after another, after another. And I had one failed cycle. after another. after another.
Boy was I wrong. God what a fucking idiot I was. I really am one of them. After 6 IVF cycles. 49 eggs retrieved. 6 transfers. 13 embryos transferred.
And those ladies on that original discussion board have been my life line. They have stuck with me - every one of them. Even though some of them have babies that are almost a year old now. They have offered words of support and encouragement to me at every sad step of the way. They have been typing through their tears right along with me. And they were holding their breath along with me through every 2ww and beta. Especially this last one. They are better people than me.
God what a jerk I feel like, for thinking back then that I was better than them.
I wonder sometimes if that's part of the reason why we had to go through 6 IVF cycles to get here. Maybe that's the price I had to pay for my arrogance back then. I sometimes think that maybe I had a lesson to learn.
I learned it.