Thursday, March 29, 2007

Misc thoughts - 12 weeks today!

Wow, we were just so excited yesterday!

Some other updates on my mind:

Telling people:
We decided to go ahead and start updating our family blog with the news. We have this 'other' blog to share pics and updates of our life with friends and family. I had been really neglecting it for the past couple of months - because it's hard to update about what's going on in your life when you're not yet sharing the one big thing that's happening. So - yesterday I put up the big announcement post, and put up some posts with some updates of the past few weeks. I will now use that blog to keep our family updated on the pregnancy. I'm pretty much just copying and pasting select bits from this blog -but taking out the more personal details and the anxiety - it's just happy updates for the relatives.

So I sent an email to the relatives reminding them of the blog address, and telling them to go look at the latest pics.

And J was just so bursting with joy yesterday - that he decided it was time to tell a few of his friends - so he forwarded my email to a few people. I was a little surprised, but ok with it. I love that he is so excited - he really just couldn't contain himself any longer. So the cat is out of the bag! I still haven't told any of my extended friends, only a few very close local friends know - so I have to figure out when to do that. I have a small handful of girlfriends from college that I keep in touch with occasionally - they are not friends that I would just happen to run in to and tell them, because they don't live around here. So I need to decide when is the right time to send them an email with the news.

So I guess the bottom line is that we are now officially "out" about the pregnancy and the twins - it's no longer just news for a select group of friends and family. The only people we are now keeping this from is work. I still do not plan to tell anyone else at work until I am showing and can no longer avoid it.

More on the ultrasound yesterday:
It was a little strange actually. First of all - the scheduling person told me I had to arrive with a full bladder. So I guzzled water for an hour before the appointment. Then when we finally get in for our appointment, the woman asks if I need to use the restroom before we start. huh? I said I was told I needed a full bladder. She said nope. And she wasn't all that nice about it - her tone was like I was stupid for thinking that.

The ultrasound woman was a little strange - she was totally stoic and not even slightly friendly. She did not once crack a smile, and she hardly spoke unless we asked her a question. And her answers were very short when she did speak. I found it very odd. J and I kept looking at each other over her shoulder - you know that look you share with each other, silently asking "what the heck is up with her?". It just seems so strange to me that somebody wouldn't warm up at all, wouldn't smile, wouldn't say a single happy or kind thing. I guess I can understand that she may be in a job where she needs to remain somewhat emotionally detached from the patients, because maybe she is often in the position of having to deliver bad news -but I would have thought that she would at least loosen up a bit towards the end of the ultrasound, once it was clear that everything was really good news. Anyway - I just found odd - that you could be dealing with very happy people, and still remain so cold.

Shopping & stuff:
I've started looking at some baby items online. I still haven't been to an actual store to look at stuff in real life. But my mother is shopping like crazy and is desperate to know what I want. She wants to start buying crib bedding and stuff. She also will be buying the cribs. Actually - I think she will be furnishing the entire room. It's not that J and I can't afford it - but my mother is just like that. She is incredibly generous, and loves to be involved. She's also a bit of a control freak, and I think this makes her feel like she has an important part to play - so that's fine with me. So if I want to have any say in what I get - I need to start looking at it soon, because she is having a very hard time not buying. Fortunately her and I have very similar tastes, so I know I will love anything she buys.

But here's a question for you - I need to figure out a way for my MIL to feel involved too. She's already mentioned twice that she assumes that my mom will be buying just about everything. (she knows my mom is like that) And I think she is already feeling a little left out. She has asked what she can do - so I'd like to figure out something to tell her that we would love her to help out with. But what? J suggested to her that maybe she could help pay for a maid for a while after the babies arrive. But do you have any other suggestions that might help her feel more included in the planning for the babies?

How am I feeling:
Thanks for asking. :-) It still really comes and goes. But I'd say it's trending toward going more than coming. The nausea still pops up almost every day, but it doesn't stick around as long. Night time is still the worst - that's when I am most likely to feel sick, and I have a really hard time figuring out what to eat for dinner, because nothing sounds good at night. I pretty much have to just decide on something and force it down. But I usually feel pretty good most of the day. I still have basically zero energy - the thought of tackling anything on my long to-do list at home just sounds exhausting. I'm not as sleepy as I was, but I just can't muster the energy to want to do anything. I was in an all-day meeting on tuesday, and I felt pretty good all day. I think being distracted helps. But the minute the meeting was over I was exhausted and felt really sick.

I have started making smoothies every day. I got some protein powder and a bunch of frozen fruit, so usually late afternoon I have been making myself a smoothie with protein. I think it's really helping get some extra nutrition in me.

Talking about donor eggs:
Several of you have asked about this in recent comments. And you know - it's funny - but I almost never think about it except when you bring it up. I really feel like these babies are 100% mine, I find myself forgetting that they weren't my eggs. I just feel totally connected to them. I think that's really cool. But to answer a few of your recent questions:

How is my sister handling all of this? Really great. I think she just thinks of this as no different than if I was pregnant and she hadn't given me the eggs - she is just incredibly happy for me. She's happy for my other pregnant sister too, but I think my mom and C are happier for me because they know how hard I struggled to get here. But, as I explained before, I don't think C ever made any kind of emotional connection with the eggs - I think she just thinks of it as if she had given me any other kind of tissue - if I needed blood, or a kidney or bone marrow - she's not the type that would afterwards think "hey, you're walking around with my kidney".

What, if anything, will I tell the kids about this? Not sure. Our current inclination is to tell them nothing. If these were non-related donor eggs, then I would absolutely feel a need to tell them. But since these eggs came from my sister, and her and I have the same parents, we are genetically very similar, we have the same family medical history, etc. - I'm just not sure there's a need to tell them. But, it is something that J and I should talk about more at some point, and we will make sure that mom and C know how we want it handled. I know that they will respect our wishes - and for the moment they know that our wish is that it's not talked about.

Why don't I want more of my family to know about the donor eggs? Well, a lot of reasons actually.

  1. Partially because of the above - that I don't want my kids finding out about this from some other relative. If they are going to find out, it needs to be from us. And the more people that know just increases the risk of someone else mentioning it someday.
  2. I just don't think that most people would understand why we did this. I tested the water early on with one or two friends - just mentioned the whole donor egg subject in more general terms - and I got very wierd reactions. People don't understand why you wouldn't 'just adopt', if you weren't able to have a baby of your own. I don't blame them - I don't think it's something you can understand if you haven't dealt with infertility.
  3. There are select family members that I think might not agree with it. For religious reasons, there is a particular family member (my dad) who I think might have a strong opinion about the IVF in general. So I have chosen to not mention any of it to him. He has put some pieces together and assumes that we have had some kind of fertility treatment. But so far he has known better than to ask me directly about it. He did ask my mom in an email (they are divorced, but they keep in touch) - and she asked me how I wanted her to respond. I told her to just say that she thinks we had some intervention, but that it's not something I talk about and she doesn't ask. So we dodged that so far. He is incredibly excited about the babies, he's very happy for us. But there are lots of things that my dad and I don't see eye to eye on, and our relationship only works (for me) if I limit the topics of our conversations.
  4. My family likes to talk. And I HATE being the subject of gossip. I'm a pretty reserved and private person, and I really can't stand it when people talk about me. I don't like people making a big deal about stuff - I just tend to really take things in stride - and this is something people would make a big deal out of. I guess most of them would make a big deal out of it in a good way - but still, it makes me uncomfortable to be the subject of conversation.
  5. But the biggest reason - it's none of their business. There's no reason that they need to know this. Our reproductive choices should be between us. Just because we had trouble conceiving, does not mean that our reproduction should become an open book for all to discuss. If we had conceived the conventional way - nobody would have a right to know exactly how we 'did it'. And this is no different - it's none of their business.


ava said...

I just emailed you and then remembered I could check your blog for an, so much going on! I'm back in the blogosphere after being on hiatus...

I have so much to say, but mostly I just have to say that it sounds like you're doing so great with everything, you sound very strong. Don't worry about the work stuff at all, it will all work itself out. I love how excited J is :) and your mom. You have a great family! I'll think about suggestions for your MIL...

Hopeful Mother said...

Amen to #5. That is exactly how I feel about it. You don't go around asking a newly pregnant woman - "So, what position were you in, and what position was he in? How long did it last? etc." And I don't see IF treatment being any different. Who knows should be your decision ONLY.

I am just so happy that you are finally feeling comfortable enough to start telling. It will make it feel more real to you, too.

It's great that you're considering your MIL's feelings too - I'll keep thinking on that one.

seattlegal said...

Regarding the ultrasound - I had the same experience at my last ultrasound. The woman didn't seem all that happy to be doing what she was doing or just didn't show any type of emotion.

Regarding your MIL - can she help plan a baby shower for when the time comes? Is your MIL and your mom close enough they can plan it together? That's all I can think of at the moment.

I don't think some people can understand why someone does IVF with or without donor eggs unless they've been there themselves. Sure some people can, but I know until IVF seemed to be our only option - I didn't think I would ever take that step for fear of putting all that money into something that might not work. So share with the people you want to and don't share with those you don't - it is none of their business as you said.

Allie said...

What about if you let your MIL pay for a 3D or 4D ultrasound. The personal kind where you get the DVD. She could even go with you if you're comfortable with that. Or perhaps she would like to pay for ViaCord for you which is a big blessing for babies that might need it some day.

GLouise said...

So glad to hear that everything is going well!

Jaimie said...

I thought the ultrasound tech that I had at my OB office was odd as well. She talked to me a little more than yours did but I questioned her a lot. The ultrasound tech I have had at the hospital that does ultrasounds of everything not just babies was even weirder. She has been rude or almost rude at each of the three (non OB) ultrasounds I have had. She won't talk at all and will BARELY speak when you make it clear you aren't going anywhere without an answer.

I am curious about how exactly you make your smoothies. I think that is something I would like.