I had the worst dream last night, and it's really got me upset today.
I dreamt that the babies were born early, at like 20 weeks. I guess I must have had a surrogate, but that wasn't really covered in the dream. I just got a phone call saying that I needed to get to the hospital right away if I wanted to see my babies while they were still alive.
They were both boys. They were in one of those warmers, but also in a little tub of water - like they would dry out if they weren't kept wet. They didn't have any tubes or wires or anything, because of course they were too young to try to save. Their faces looked slightly animal like - like the pictures you see of fetuses who aren't fully developed yet. I held their little feet in my hand. They opened their eyes and looked at me. Their eyes were big and dark. One of them had red hair.
Tears running down my face as I'm even remembering this.
I was sobbing in my dream.
Then it cuts to later, and I wake up in a hospital room. The babies are gone. But someone is delivering laundry to the hospital rooms and he gives me these freshly washed hospital baby receiving blankets. He says it's hospital policy that because I paid for them anyway, they are mine. I remember the sobbing starting again, and asking if he could find out how long my babies had lived before they died. There was something about asking for a camera to take pictures of the babies, but I can't quite straighten out that part of the dream. But then something else much later where I was looking at a picture of my babies.
God it was just awful. And thiking about it now is just awful. I'm sobbing again. It was too real of a dream. I can't get it out of my head.