Friday, May 11, 2007

terrible, terrible dream

I had the worst dream last night, and it's really got me upset today.

I dreamt that the babies were born early, at like 20 weeks. I guess I must have had a surrogate, but that wasn't really covered in the dream. I just got a phone call saying that I needed to get to the hospital right away if I wanted to see my babies while they were still alive.

They were both boys. They were in one of those warmers, but also in a little tub of water - like they would dry out if they weren't kept wet. They didn't have any tubes or wires or anything, because of course they were too young to try to save. Their faces looked slightly animal like - like the pictures you see of fetuses who aren't fully developed yet. I held their little feet in my hand. They opened their eyes and looked at me. Their eyes were big and dark. One of them had red hair.

Tears running down my face as I'm even remembering this.

I was sobbing in my dream.

Then it cuts to later, and I wake up in a hospital room. The babies are gone. But someone is delivering laundry to the hospital rooms and he gives me these freshly washed hospital baby receiving blankets. He says it's hospital policy that because I paid for them anyway, they are mine. I remember the sobbing starting again, and asking if he could find out how long my babies had lived before they died. There was something about asking for a camera to take pictures of the babies, but I can't quite straighten out that part of the dream. But then something else much later where I was looking at a picture of my babies.

God it was just awful. And thiking about it now is just awful. I'm sobbing again. It was too real of a dream. I can't get it out of my head.


serenity said...

Oh hon. Nothing like a horrid dream to keep you worrying all day.

Hugs - hope it fades soon.

Bea said...

There are far too many bad dreams around lately. Wishing you sweet ones to take this feeling away.


Sarah said...

oh god, how awful! i'm so sorry your stuck with the horrible after taste of that dream. the wretched games our hormones play on us, i'm sure.

hope the upswing is just around the bend. sometimes i find it in a pint of ice cream :)

LJ said...

Oh goodness, I know - those are the kind of dreams that set you off for the whole day.

Do something nice for yourself to take your mind off it. It is natural to worry though, you love the babies so much!

Nickie said...

Those scary dreams really suck, don't they? I've had more than one dream of losing the baby and it just seems so real that it messes you up.

Big hugs to you!!!

ava said...

Oh man, I am so sorry you had such an awful dream. The funny thing is that I had a somewhat similar one lately, where I was at the hospital because I was going to have the baby and I was really happy and excited, and then suddenly I remembered that I was only 4-1/2 months pregnant, so this was a terrible thing, not a happy thing. It was awful, and yours sounds even worse.

Just keep remembering that our dreams are just our unconscious, not some sort of crystal ball...and many of our feelings of fear manifest themselves in our dream life.

On a happier note, your latest belly pics are so cute!! Very cute round belly :)

Foreverhopeful said...

I'm so sorry about the horrible dream. I can see how it can affect you and worry you after all you've been through. But like I said, dreams have a lot to do with your hidden feelings and its your own fears that are coming out. I've had some bad dreams myself and woke up crying and in pain because it felt so real. But they didn't end up actually happening. Sending you lots of happy and peaceful thoughts.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. I've been having horribly vivid dreams that my triplets have died or will. I think it's normal, honestly. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

It's so hard to shake that sort of terror, and I'm sure you're still walking around with a ghost of that fictional pain.

I'm so sorry your mind isn't behaving itself: and I agree with Sarah.

A pint (or 2) of ice cream can make it all better.

suzanne said...

yeah, these dreams SUCK! why do they have to be so vivid? i've never had dreams like this before! i'm so sorry. i know how you're feeling. seems like i've been consumed with worry and negative thoughts lately too.

your belly shots are GREAT in the last post!! keep taking them! you'll be glad!