So here's the thing....
I have not actually told anyone that I'm pregnant. In person, that is. Everyone I have broken the news to has found out either from an email, a text message or a phone call (very few of those even - only my mom and my sister actually). Most of our friends have found out from J - 'cause he's just bursting with the news and tells everybody.
I have not actually looked someone in the eye and said "I'm pregnant". I've hardly said the "P" word out loud at all. Really. I can't actually remember saying it. I don't say it to J. I've thought about using the pregnant card on him a few times ("waaah, I can't possibly do that because I'm pregnant.... can you do it for meeeee...") - but then I chicken out because that would mean actually saying the P word out loud.
And I'm terrified to do it. Still. At almost 18 weeks.
I'm mostly ok with talking about it once somebody knows. I almost actually like talking about it, and answering questions about it.
But it's the actual telling of the news that terrifies me. I don't know why. Because saying it out loud might still jinx it? Or because I feel like a fraud because this can't possibly be happening to me? Because I think they won't believe me? Or because I think they'll make a big, big deal out of it, and I don't like being the center of attention? I really can't explain it.
Through all the years of trying, you fantasize about how you'll tell people. And now that it's real, it freezes me with fear.
I really need to tell people at work. I mean, come on, it's starting to get obvious. Ridiculous really. They must think I'm really getting chubby. I'm actually considering sending my boss an email with this news. Because I don't know how to say it in person. It seems so strange. Do I just walk up to a person and say "I'm pregnant"?? Do I sit him down and make some big serious announcement about it? How do I do this??
Jamie said yesterday that IF was the gift that keeps on giving. So true.
You think all your neurosis will end as soon as you are happily pregnant? wrong.