Tuesday, May 08, 2007

saying the P word

So here's the thing....

I have not actually told anyone that I'm pregnant. In person, that is. Everyone I have broken the news to has found out either from an email, a text message or a phone call (very few of those even - only my mom and my sister actually). Most of our friends have found out from J - 'cause he's just bursting with the news and tells everybody.

I have not actually looked someone in the eye and said "I'm pregnant". I've hardly said the "P" word out loud at all. Really. I can't actually remember saying it. I don't say it to J. I've thought about using the pregnant card on him a few times ("waaah, I can't possibly do that because I'm pregnant.... can you do it for meeeee...") - but then I chicken out because that would mean actually saying the P word out loud.

And I'm terrified to do it. Still. At almost 18 weeks.

I'm mostly ok with talking about it once somebody knows. I almost actually like talking about it, and answering questions about it.

But it's the actual telling of the news that terrifies me. I don't know why. Because saying it out loud might still jinx it? Or because I feel like a fraud because this can't possibly be happening to me? Because I think they won't believe me? Or because I think they'll make a big, big deal out of it, and I don't like being the center of attention? I really can't explain it.

Through all the years of trying, you fantasize about how you'll tell people. And now that it's real, it freezes me with fear.

I really need to tell people at work. I mean, come on, it's starting to get obvious. Ridiculous really. They must think I'm really getting chubby. I'm actually considering sending my boss an email with this news. Because I don't know how to say it in person. It seems so strange. Do I just walk up to a person and say "I'm pregnant"?? Do I sit him down and make some big serious announcement about it? How do I do this??

Jamie said yesterday that IF was the gift that keeps on giving. So true.

You think all your neurosis will end as soon as you are happily pregnant? wrong.

9 comments:

My Reality said...

Well, if you don't want to say it, you could always wait until someone asks if you are the p word. I think it would be fun to then tell them that no, you aren't the p word, just gaining weight. That way you can watch people squirm!!

You do have twins in there, I am sure people might be starting to suspect all on their own!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I can really relate to you. I'm sixteen weeks, and I hate it every time someone finds out I'm P, too. I, too, feel like the more people that know, the more likely I'll have a late miscarriage and it will all be over. If I could keep the secret until delivery, it would be fine with me! But I'm also pregnant with twins, and without the cold weather sweatshirts to hind under, it is now too obvious to hide. Best of luck, and know that you're not alone in your feelings :) Take care.

imagoii said...

I've felt really weird about telling people too - like it's almost too private of a thing to share like that! LOL - we tried out the viral method - told a few close co-workers and let the message spread.... that worked ok - then I just had to deal with the congrats.... which was easier for me than actually telling people! Good Luck!

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

I totally empathize with not telling anyone, for a number of reasons.

On Monday, my wife's boss, upon telling her that we're infertile and she has to undergo a bunch of testing, said, "Congratulations."

People will say the wrong thing, and until you're ready for that, I say keep it to yourself. There are very few things as sacred as becoming a parent, and that is your information to dispense as you see fit.

Hopeful Mother said...

This IF *&#$%&$# never really goes away. Even when we have all the reason in the world to be shouting from the rooftops, we are still reminded of where we came from and the bad things that could happen.

I totally understand what you mean. I am avoiding work social gatherings so I don't have to talk about it. I don't like, at all, being the center of attention.

I sat down with my boss to talk with him - made an appt. even. I would have wanted to email but I think in person was better. Just my two cents.

Karen said...

For whatever reason, I find it easier to say "I'm expecting a baby." (or, um, three babies) I'm pregnant sounds so... I don't know. I feel like an imposter.

Jamie said...

This is SOOO true. I don't know what it is about that P word. I have been forced to tell people (like my boss) but every time I do I just feel so ridiculous. I took the "just blurt it out" approach. But I tend to just say what is on my mind anyone. It is a lot harder to tell people than I ever though it would be -- that is SOOO true.

suzanne said...

i can totally understand why you might be hesitant about telling the world your big news...i mean, look at everything you had to go through to get to this point! i felt the same way right when we found out we were pregnant, and i'm usually the one who is telling my life story to strangers on a daily basis!! hang there and don't feel pressure...you do it when it feels right!

JenderBender said...

I totally get it, it's almost like if you say it outloud it isn't true or something really bad will happen. That's how I feel anyway, but everyone knows I'm a Freak! :) I still don't say it & feel akward talking to people about it when they find out.
I think IF just makes us neurotic, we can't help it! :)

Jen