Wow. Lots on my mind today. I will try to organize my thoughts.
Quick OB appointment update:
In short – all is well. BP is good. Cervix is good. Urine tests good. The belly is measuring at 30cm – or equivalent of a 30 week singleton pregnancy. The babies are moving a lot. Heart rates looked good. Fluid levels look good. Both are still breech though – and definitely confirmed that there are lots of little legs and knees and feet way down low kicking on my cervix. Which explains what I have been feeling the last few days – like someone is kicking me in the crotch! I wish baby A at least would turn though - so I don't have to have a c-section. Any old wives tales about how to get a baby to turn?
I have gained 20 lbs according to the scale at the doctors office. I think that's a respectable amount at this stage. I don't feel like I've gained that much - because it's all in the belly, I don't feel fatter in other places.
Next time I will do the 1 hour glucose test. And another growth ultrasound. And we went ahead and set up the rest of my appointments – every two weeks through 32, and then weekly after that.
And they gave me the “third trimester packet” – it’s a big envelope with a bunch of info about the third trimester and birth, breastfeeding, pre-registering at the hospital, a list of pediatrician referrals, etc. Honestly it really shocked me – I guess my third trimester is rapidly approaching!
This pregnancy is going by fast. I will venture to say almost too fast. Given that this may be the only time in my life that I get to experience pregnancy, I really don’t want it to go by too fast. I want to savor it, to make sure I remember what this feels like. Perhaps I won’t be saying that when I’m 37 weeks! But right now I'm still feeling really good - and I want to remember this feeling. How wonderful it feels to have these little people inside me. Their movement amazes me every day. I can just sit and stare at my belly for the longest time - it's so fascinating to watch. And such an amazing miracle - just the thought of having two little people growing inside me. Yes, sometimes it hurts when they stomp on my cervix - but most of the time it just feels strange and wonderful. I sometimes wonder what the heck they're doing in there - they seem so busy.
I am still sleeping comfortably - a friend loaned me her body pillow and I will confess to totally loving it. I wake up about 4 times in the night to pee, but I have no trouble getting back to sleep. The babies movement doesn't wake me up, but when I've woken up to pee and then get back in bed, they have definitely been woken up by my movement. So I put my hand on my belly and enjoy the party while I fall back to sleep.
Day Care? Yikes.
No - I still have done nothing about it. I really think we want to try a Nanny. And I've been advised that it's too early to really do anything about that (you don't hire someone for a job that doesn't start for 8 months). But I do still intend to get us signed up at a day care as a backup - in case we don't find a nanny we like right away. So I must get on that soon. very soon.
I have no idea how we are going to pay for this. I think we can afford it, we both make decent salaries - it just means adjusting the budgets and changing a few lifestyle things around. It's just a matter of spending the time to figure it out.
Soon. very soon.
For much of this pregnancy, I have still found myself having a hard time seeing other pregnant women. You know that feeling when dealing with IF – you see a pregnant woman and you think “why can she be pregnant and I can’t!”. But even after I was pregnant I still couldn’t look at them. I still didn’t feel like I was part of their club. I would think “Oh yeah, well I bet she got pregnant really easily and didn’t have to go through what I went through”.
Well – I think some of my IF bitterness is finally starting to wear off. I’ve noticed the past few days that I actually smile and make eye contact with other pregnant women. I think to myself that we have something in common – like maybe I am part of their club. This feels nice. It’s not a feeling I’ve felt before.
Just when my mother and I have such a good weekend together – then she goes and does something that really pisses me off. My mother is a bit of a control freak. She likes to be at the center of everything. She somehow manages to find away to insert herself into everything.
So – she calls me yesterday – to inform me that my father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. My parents are divorced (have been for a long time), but they still keep in touch. And apparently he confided in her. But he asked her not to tell us – because he wanted to tell us himself. And so what does she do? She immediately picks up the phone and calls both C and I. And then she proceeds to tell me that when he calls me, I have to act surprised and I can’t tell him that she told me. What the F?? Why did she tell me this? And then put me in the awkward position of having to lie and pretend I don’t know? This is the kind of stuff that she does that really pisses me off. Does she do it because she is compelled to be in control of the flow of information? So that she is involved in something that has nothing to do with her? She says that she wanted to tell me so that when he called me I would be sure to answer the phone. Huh? Whatever. So she betrayed his confidence because she’s doing him a favor? And then she says she wanted to tell me so I wouldn’t be too shocked when I heard it from him. Huh? It makes no sense.
And you can’t say anything to her about it – because she wouldn’t get it. She never thinks she does anything wrong. My mom and I get along great – as long as you don’t disagree with her or tell her she’s wrong.
I talked to C and she was feeling the same way. And she said that mom had been pestering her for days – constantly asking “have you talked to your dad yet?”, “tell me when you talk to him”, and C is wondering why the heck does she keep asking this?
So instead of spending last evening being concerned about my dad – I spent the evening being totally annoyed at my mom.
But I got an email from dad this morning (he lives in Italy – so we don’t talk often, but we email). It sounds like he’s over the initial shock and fear, and that things are really looking very good. They caught it very early, and it sounds like a relatively simple surgery to remove the prostate, and no additional treatment unless they find something surprising when they go in. He said in the US it's sometimes done as outpatient surgery, or they just keep you one night - but in italy they will keep him for 5 days. Shows you the difference in insurance between the two countries I guess. He's feeling very confident in the treatment he's getting. Just nervous of course because the big "C" word is always scary.
In better news:
Remember a while back I told you about my two BBC friends who shared eggs and both got a BFP? Well C had her u/s this week – a little early because she was spotting – and she is having twins. K does not get her u/s until next week – but we are all hoping for twins for her too!
Am I Cold?
Sometimes lately I think I seem very cold and unemotional. The opposite of what you think a pregnant lady would be.
I find it hard to connect emotionally to other people's bad news. I don't know if this is hormonal. But actually I think it's not.
I feel like right now it would be pointless for me to get upset about things I cannot control. It's like this very practical, rational attitude has taken over me. Certainly I was not like that when dealing with my infertility - of course it upset me. But right now very little does. I take in the information. And I think - "ok. good to know. I hope you're ok, and let me know if I can help. But it does neither of us any good for me to get upset about this".
Is it a survival instinct? Is it because I know that my 100% focus right needs to be on putting my energy towards growing these healthy babies and keeping them in as long as possible - and I have no emotional energy left over for other stuff?
Or am I being selfish? Is there something wrong with me that I don't care about other people's struggles? But it's not that I don't care - it's just that I have no emotion over it. I have this attitude like - just deal with it, it is what it is. I try to act sympathetic - but honestly I'm not feeling it.
Or is it because of the hard times we went through over the last few years - like I went through sad and very depressing emotional hell, and I survived it just fine, so other people need to just pull it together and take care of business too.
gosh I sound like a terrible person... But I just feel totally disconnected from other people's emotions.
well that's enough rambling for one day.