Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Getting ahead of myself

I've been meaning to get back to blogging for a while.  But you know what they say about good intentions.  Ah well.  Here I am. Better late than never. I'm home sick with a cold today, so I have time to do this.

I went back to work for 4 days, and then I was gone for a week for my sister's wedding.  So that was an easy way to ease back into working.  Last week I was back at work again for real.  It's going ok so far, better than I expected.  The days go by fast.  Our nanny is still working out great.  I sometimes wonder if there isn't a little something wrong with me, that I'm not having such awful separation anxiety, but perhaps it has to do with how comfortable I feel with our childcare solution.  This week is our first week on our normal schedule - nanny Monday - Thursday, and then Jim and I will both work half day Friday and each take the kids for 1/2 day.  I feel good about the fact that they will be with us three days and with the nanny 4 days instead of 5.  But we'll see how we're able to manage the work schedule.

I've been thinking a lot lately about pregnancy, birth, and that little tiny infant stage.  I miss it all.  I really want another shot at being pregnant.  I don't want to have only experienced all this just once.  If I had two kids separately then I'd be ok stopping at 2, but I want the chance to be pregnant more than once.  Maybe that sounds ungrateful, maybe I should just be happy that I got to experience it once.  and don't get me wrong - I am grateful, so grateful.  I tried to savor every moment of my pregnancy, I tried to never complain.  I enjoyed being pregnant so much.  Sometimes at night I lay there with my eyes closed and I put my hand to my belly, and I try to remember what it felt like.

I miss that tiny little infant stage.  I feel like I don't remember much of it. Those first weeks and maybe even months are just a blur in my head.  I guess I was even more sleep deprived than I thought at the time, because I just don't remember much.  I want a chance to experience it again, and hopefully be present enough to really remember it.

And I know I need to get over it, but I still feel a little cheated about the c-section.  I really didn't want it.  I wanted to experience birth.  I feel like I missed out on something.  I know, people who have had it will tell me that I didn't miss anything.  But I think I did.  I'm not saying I would have had a full natural birth, I definitely would have gone for the epidural at some point, but I wanted to know what it felt like to go into labor, to have my body going through that process.  Having it all so scheduled just felt strange, and I feel like I missed out on something wonderful.  I would like another shot at that. 

but the debate - do we want three kids.  (Or four - what if I get pregnant with twins again??)  I love having twins.  I loved being pregnant with twins.  But four kids is a lot.  We have 6 frozen embryos.  and chances are good that we'd get twins again if we transferred two.  And I probably wouldn't get my shot at a natural birth, because I'd be surprised if the doc would do a VBAC with twins.  So transfer one?  that's possible. 

but I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I have to get my husband on board with doing it again.  And really I wouldn't do it for another year at least.  But this is just what's been on my mind lately.  I need to set it aside for a while.


seattlegal said...

I know how you feel. I hate that I probably only had one pregnancy. I don't have any frozen embryos so we'd have to do a fresh IVF or have a miracle natural pregnancy. Neither of which is likely to happen. I would love to be pregnant again.

The tiny infant stage is a blur for me too and it makes me sad I can't remember much of it. I also feel cheated in that I had to do a c-section and didn't get to do a vaginal birth. So much of what you wrote I've had the same feelings.

Rachel Inbar said...

As a mom of 6 (yeah, I can't believe it either) I can just say that if you do have 4, it won't seem like that many when they're yours... It's not just 4 kids, it's Daniel and Callie and two other people with names, who you quickly become familiar with...

Also, the fact that you had twins once doesn't necessarily mean that transferring two would mean twins again. (I transferred 4 each time, got pregnant 3x, only once with twins.)

I think as time goes by it will become more and more clear to you what you really want to do.

Good luck!