I've been meaning to get back to blogging for a while. But you know what they say about good intentions. Ah well. Here I am. Better late than never. I'm home sick with a cold today, so I have time to do this.
I went back to work for 4 days, and then I was gone for a week for my sister's wedding. So that was an easy way to ease back into working. Last week I was back at work again for real. It's going ok so far, better than I expected. The days go by fast. Our nanny is still working out great. I sometimes wonder if there isn't a little something wrong with me, that I'm not having such awful separation anxiety, but perhaps it has to do with how comfortable I feel with our childcare solution. This week is our first week on our normal schedule - nanny Monday - Thursday, and then Jim and I will both work half day Friday and each take the kids for 1/2 day. I feel good about the fact that they will be with us three days and with the nanny 4 days instead of 5. But we'll see how we're able to manage the work schedule.
I've been thinking a lot lately about pregnancy, birth, and that little tiny infant stage. I miss it all. I really want another shot at being pregnant. I don't want to have only experienced all this just once. If I had two kids separately then I'd be ok stopping at 2, but I want the chance to be pregnant more than once. Maybe that sounds ungrateful, maybe I should just be happy that I got to experience it once. and don't get me wrong - I am grateful, so grateful. I tried to savor every moment of my pregnancy, I tried to never complain. I enjoyed being pregnant so much. Sometimes at night I lay there with my eyes closed and I put my hand to my belly, and I try to remember what it felt like.
I miss that tiny little infant stage. I feel like I don't remember much of it. Those first weeks and maybe even months are just a blur in my head. I guess I was even more sleep deprived than I thought at the time, because I just don't remember much. I want a chance to experience it again, and hopefully be present enough to really remember it.
And I know I need to get over it, but I still feel a little cheated about the c-section. I really didn't want it. I wanted to experience birth. I feel like I missed out on something. I know, people who have had it will tell me that I didn't miss anything. But I think I did. I'm not saying I would have had a full natural birth, I definitely would have gone for the epidural at some point, but I wanted to know what it felt like to go into labor, to have my body going through that process. Having it all so scheduled just felt strange, and I feel like I missed out on something wonderful. I would like another shot at that.
but the debate - do we want three kids. (Or four - what if I get pregnant with twins again??) I love having twins. I loved being pregnant with twins. But four kids is a lot. We have 6 frozen embryos. and chances are good that we'd get twins again if we transferred two. And I probably wouldn't get my shot at a natural birth, because I'd be surprised if the doc would do a VBAC with twins. So transfer one? that's possible.
but I'm getting way ahead of myself. I have to get my husband on board with doing it again. And really I wouldn't do it for another year at least. But this is just what's been on my mind lately. I need to set it aside for a while.