Getting ahead of myself

I've been meaning to get back to blogging for a while.  But you know what they say about good intentions.  Ah well.  Here I am. Better late than never. I'm home sick with a cold today, so I have time to do this.

I went back to work for 4 days, and then I was gone for a week for my sister's wedding.  So that was an easy way to ease back into working.  Last week I was back at work again for real.  It's going ok so far, better than I expected.  The days go by fast.  Our nanny is still working out great.  I sometimes wonder if there isn't a little something wrong with me, that I'm not having such awful separation anxiety, but perhaps it has to do with how comfortable I feel with our childcare solution.  This week is our first week on our normal schedule - nanny Monday - Thursday, and then Jim and I will both work half day Friday and each take the kids for 1/2 day.  I feel good about the fact that they will be with us three days and with the nanny 4 days instead of 5.  But we'll see how we're able to manage the work schedule.

I've been thinking a lot lately about pregnancy, birth, and that little tiny infant stage.  I miss it all.  I really want another shot at being pregnant.  I don't want to have only experienced all this just once.  If I had two kids separately then I'd be ok stopping at 2, but I want the chance to be pregnant more than once.  Maybe that sounds ungrateful, maybe I should just be happy that I got to experience it once.  and don't get me wrong - I am grateful, so grateful.  I tried to savor every moment of my pregnancy, I tried to never complain.  I enjoyed being pregnant so much.  Sometimes at night I lay there with my eyes closed and I put my hand to my belly, and I try to remember what it felt like.

I miss that tiny little infant stage.  I feel like I don't remember much of it. Those first weeks and maybe even months are just a blur in my head.  I guess I was even more sleep deprived than I thought at the time, because I just don't remember much.  I want a chance to experience it again, and hopefully be present enough to really remember it.

And I know I need to get over it, but I still feel a little cheated about the c-section.  I really didn't want it.  I wanted to experience birth.  I feel like I missed out on something.  I know, people who have had it will tell me that I didn't miss anything.  But I think I did.  I'm not saying I would have had a full natural birth, I definitely would have gone for the epidural at some point, but I wanted to know what it felt like to go into labor, to have my body going through that process.  Having it all so scheduled just felt strange, and I feel like I missed out on something wonderful.  I would like another shot at that. 

but the debate - do we want three kids.  (Or four - what if I get pregnant with twins again??)  I love having twins.  I loved being pregnant with twins.  But four kids is a lot.  We have 6 frozen embryos.  and chances are good that we'd get twins again if we transferred two.  And I probably wouldn't get my shot at a natural birth, because I'd be surprised if the doc would do a VBAC with twins.  So transfer one?  that's possible. 

but I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I have to get my husband on board with doing it again.  And really I wouldn't do it for another year at least.  But this is just what's been on my mind lately.  I need to set it aside for a while.