I'm thinking about quitting my job. I don't know if we can afford it, and I don't know if I even want to.
We have had a little issue with our nanny - not something I even want to go into right now - but it re-opened the question of whether we're doing the right thing here. Do we really need for me to be working? Can we really not afford for me to not work? And what would that do to our lives if we didn't work?
It's become emotionally hard for me to leave them. It was easy up until now. But this little incident made me have doubt. I don't know that hiring a different nanny would fix that doubt - it's there now and it's not going away. But I also don't know if I'm really cut out to be a stay at home mom. I guess I know other SAHMs that I could connect with.
And if I did it, I wouldn't want it to be temporary. I wouldn't want to have to try to re-enter the workforce in a few years - that seems like it would be really hard - to try to go back. So if I left, I think it would have to be for good.
I don't know what it would do to my relationship. Would this change me too much, and would it cause issues with my husband. He thinks I need to be working - he likes to see me mentally challenged, he thinks it helps me keep my own sense of self. But he is finally willing to entertain the discussion, because he is seeing what an issue this is.
I don't know. There are lots of conflicting thoughts in my head.
The first step is to do a bunch of math and figure out if we really can afford this, without ending up with a lifestyle that makes us both miserable. If the answer is yes - then I have some decisions to make. I guess I'll be posting more about this in the coming days and weeks.