Monday, June 09, 2008

general musings about me

A few misc topics to get off my head:
One. I'm tired of pumping.  It feels better just to admit it to myself.  I have no intention of stopping.  My goal was that they would never have formula, and I intend to stick to that.  I will continue pumping so that they can have bottles until they are 1 year old and then can have other milk.  My pumping output has diminished, I am lately pumping only about half of what they need, but I have a large freezer stash to work from, so we should be just fine to get to the 1 year mark with EBM in bottles.  Frankly I probably have enough that I don't really need to be pumping it during the day - but I need to pump in order to maintain my supply for the days when I am at home and I nurse them.  Funny thing is that even though I am pumping less lately, I don't think my supply has diminished as they seem perfectly satisfied with the amount they get when I nurse them all day.  I think I'm just not pumping as well lately.  I love nursing them, and I plan to continue morning and evening nursing beyond one year. I never really thought I'd be one of these people breastfeeding babies past one year, but it's such a wonderful time with them, that I see no reason to quit as soon as they turn one year old.  But man, I'll be happy to pack away that pump.
Two. pregnancy jealousy.  again.  One of the ladies on my IVF board (we've all been posting on this board for 3 years now!) has just announced that she got a positive HPT with #2 - naturally.  Her and I had a very similar history.  She finally got PG on her 6th cycle, her last chance before going to donor eggs.  Her baby is 6 months old.  But this is totally MY fantasy - that I could just get PG naturally.  so.  twinge.  jealousy.  even though I'm very happy for her.
Of course, in order for me to even have any hope of getting pg naturally, it would probably require having sex with my husband.  I'm not opposed to the idea in theory - but who has the energy.  I fall into bed at night completely exhausted, and want to do nothing other than close my eyes.  Poor neglected husband.  Maybe my new work schedule will help some of that problem.
So that brings me to update item number Three.  I am very close to getting a part time schedule at work.  My boss is on board, HR is on board.  I just need to get my boss's new boss on board, and fill out the official paperwork.  We are targeting July as a start date for my reduced schedule - hopefully we can get it done by then.  I would come to the office three days a week - probably monday, tuesday, thursday.  And then just check my email for 3 hours from home on one of the other days, or maybe 1.5 hours each day - for a total of a 30 hour work week.  It means taking a 25% pay cut.  But I think it's worth it, for the better balance, the lower stress level.  Lately I have felt like I am serving two masters and doing neither very well.  We'll have to tighten the belt a bit, but we can do it.
Four.  The new nanny is working out great.  We really like her.  In so many ways she is so much better than the last one - and we thought the last one was great.  Live and learn.  The babies love her.  Only catch is that she needs full time income - so if we want to keep her then we need to pay her the equivalent of a 40-hour paycheck.  But the good news is that her hourly rate is less than the other nanny, so we will be paying less (although not enough less to make up for my pay cut, but oh well).  We'll probably have her come 4 days still - and one of the days that I'm not working I can use to get all my chores and errands done - which should make our weekends much lower stress, and allow me to spend more time focused on the babies, rather than multi-tasking and trying to keep them occupied while I get chores done, or have to drag them with me to costco & such.
Five.  my weight.  It's a strange thing.  The general average on the scale hasn't changed in over a month.  But I still feel like I'm getting smaller. The size 6 jeans I bought two weeks ago today feel a bit baggy.  I guess the shape of my body is still changing, even though the scale stays the same.  Revealing all the facts: before I got pregnant, I was at my all time high.  187 pounds.  You probably wouldn't have guessed I weighed that much, because I'm 5'10" and so I never looked THAT heavy, but still.  I wore a size 14 (not always comfortably).  Now I weigh something between 150 - 154 pounds.  And as mentioned, I just bought size 6 pants. This is due to zero effort on my part - I eat like a horse and I don't exercise.  It's all from breastfeeding the twins. I have to get myself in a better routine before I wean them, otherwise the weight will probably creep right back on.  It's funny though to look in the mirror.  I know my arms and face and legs look thinner.  But my middle is still so mushy that it's hard to think I look that much better.  I really need to do some situps.  I'll get to that in my spare time.  Somebody asked to see a pic - perhaps I'll dig and see if I can find a good before/after comparison for you.
ok, enough for today.  back to work.


Jaimie said...

I totally understand on two of the points. My husband feels totally neglected. I pretty much loathe pumping these days but only still do it for Jake. I have just tried to get him to take hypoallergenic formulas and he isn't having it. I decided awhile ago that I would go until a year, but I don't know what we will do then because he is still allergic to milk. I am fed up with spending so much of my day at a pump. It takes half of my lunch break at work. We have a really nice pump room, but lately it is always in use. Today I was in tears over that. I am going to have to start taking my own pump I think, but I still need a place. I can't do it in the bathroom. I only get to pump once a day at work as it is. My supply has been down as well, and it is fine if I am nursing, but it isn't enough for daycare too. I need to talk to the allergist again about our options I guess. I just keep thinking two and half more months. I don't enjoy nursing as much as I used to but I still do, it is just that damn pump!

Anonymous said...

You have done a fantastic job with pumping/nursing!

Just a thought for you - DHEA. If you are hoping for that 'natural' pregnancy, it can do wonders for not so great eggs.

cat said...

I so feel the same about pumping. It really gets too much at a stage while breastfeeding doesn't. And about weight - I have the same thing! Body keeps changing, weight stays about the same and the midrif section of the body - no comment! And good luck with the work changes - wish I could do that.