Wednesday, January 28, 2009

sometimes when I'm tired, I have doubts

We've had a rougher few days then we're used to. We've been very spoiled by babies who started sleeping through the night pretty early. But we've had several nights lately with middle of the night wakeups (poor Daniel and his full colon), and also Daniel has also decided that he's a morning person (which I am not).

It's some of the times like these that I wonder whether I can really do it all over again. I get flashbacks of memories of being exhausted to the point of tears, of sitting at the dinner table and crying in my meal, just out of sheer exhaustion. Can I really do it again? Can I be woken up every 2 - 3 hours in the night? Do I have the energy for all the breastfeeding, the pumping?

And I wonder whether things will be so much harder with 3 (or 4) kids. Will travelling be so much of a pain that we become the people that never go anywhere.

We're at such a fun stage right now. Despite the lack of sleep, the babies are relatively easy. It's easy to eat with them because they just eat what we eat, and they behave very well in stores, and they play very well on their own.

I guess it's normal to have second thoughts. We haven't done anything yet, we're just planning. But sometimes I wonder whether this is smart planning.

But then again - I remember how much I loved being pregnant. I think I'm one of the rare people who really loved pregnancy, and especially twin pregnancy. And despite the exhaustion they really were easy babies.

I don't know. I'm doubting myself. Then doubting my doubting.


Heather said...

I'm there with you. But I've had 8 years to forget the sleepless nights. I'll have twice the memory this summer. I'm scared.

Anonymous said...

You have frozen embryos, so you have the time to think about it. If you decide to wait another year, you still have good embryos on ice. The ticking clock isn't so much a factor, especially with your situation. That to me means that if you want to do it, you can, but if you want to think about it a while longer, it really shouldn't have any effect on the outcome. Make sense?

Anonymous said...

I keep telling myself that it's a very short period of time in the scope of a child's life. I can handle a few months of sleep deprivation, a few more of the intense feed-change routine, and suddenly things will be getting easier again. I think it's totally worth it for another child (or two).

I'm afraid that it's too easy to get comfortable and to not want to start over if you wait too long.

cat said...

My advice is to hang on a little - let the kids get a bit bigger and you will have the energy to deal with it.

Sarah said...

being pregnant is such an incredibly special time, even for us jaded and terrified infertiles. i can definitely understand being done with babies but feeling sad about not being pregnant again. sounds like you just need a little time for the decision to be clearer to you.

Bea said...

MR makes a good point. A little extra breathing space might make some difference, too. As someone who is going on nine months of 2-3hrly wakeups, on a good night, I'm thinking breathing space will make all the difference.


Karen said...

I need you to send me your email address for me to send you the interviews. I know I have your email address at home, but I can't access it remotely (and I probably won't remember once I get home!).

(and I know it only takes one, but that is little comfort when things start going down hill... and my doctor isn't holding out hope that we'll have anything to freeze by thursday...)

Linlee said...

I'm going through the same thing. We are finally at a good point where life is somewhat normal and now we're getting ready to go through IVF again! Sometime I think to myself "I must be crazy"