I've been trying to absorb the last few days, and trying to peel back some layers to put my finger on what I’m feeling right now. And I think I've figured it out...
For the last few years (but most extremely in the past year) I have felt trapped. Imprisoned. Paralyzed. Frozen in time. I have felt like I was holding my breath. Like my life was on hold. I could come up with a million other metaphors - but I think you know what I mean. There were days when I would try to get motivated and make lists of things I needed to get done - ordinary things like cleaning out closets or calling the contractor about some work on the house - but then I would freeze in my tracks. All I could do was stare at the list and then throw it away. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move anything forward. I was stuck. The clocks might as well have stopped - because life wasn't moving forward for me. I was in prison.
I feel free.
I feel like I can breathe again, like I can live again. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have this IF ball and chain dragging me down. Like the clock starts ticking again - time is no longer frozen.
A little over a year ago J bought me a piano for Christmas. I can't play the piano, but I had always wanted to learn. I cried when he gave it to me, I was so happy. I think it was meant to give me hope - to give me something new to tackle and hopefully not spend all my time thinking about pregnancy. I bought lots of books and studied away at it for several months. Taught myself how to read music (the basics anyway) and started learning some of the basics of playing. And then I just got too sad. I didn't touch it for probably 9 months. It represented happiness and hope for me, and it just made me too sad. It collected dust. I told myself with every subsequent cycle that I would start up again when I was pregnant. And then June brought another BFN. And then October another.
Well - last night I warmed up my rusty fingers and played. Rudimentary stuff really, but it felt good.
This is what I mean when I say I feel like I can live again.
I know we have a long way to go before we're totally out of the woods with this pregnancy. And I’m not totally confident - there is some nervousness and uncertainty. But I feel pretty sure about this. With these high beta numbers and good doubling, I really think the odds are in our favor this time.
God I hope I don't get burned for being too confident.