Tuesday, February 06, 2007

sing a song of freedom

I've been trying to absorb the last few days, and trying to peel back some layers to put my finger on what I’m feeling right now. And I think I've figured it out...

For the last few years (but most extremely in the past year) I have felt trapped. Imprisoned. Paralyzed. Frozen in time. I have felt like I was holding my breath. Like my life was on hold. I could come up with a million other metaphors - but I think you know what I mean. There were days when I would try to get motivated and make lists of things I needed to get done - ordinary things like cleaning out closets or calling the contractor about some work on the house - but then I would freeze in my tracks. All I could do was stare at the list and then throw it away. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move anything forward. I was stuck. The clocks might as well have stopped - because life wasn't moving forward for me. I was in prison.

And now...

I feel free.

I feel like I can breathe again, like I can live again. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have this IF ball and chain dragging me down. Like the clock starts ticking again - time is no longer frozen.

A little over a year ago J bought me a piano for Christmas. I can't play the piano, but I had always wanted to learn. I cried when he gave it to me, I was so happy. I think it was meant to give me hope - to give me something new to tackle and hopefully not spend all my time thinking about pregnancy. I bought lots of books and studied away at it for several months. Taught myself how to read music (the basics anyway) and started learning some of the basics of playing. And then I just got too sad. I didn't touch it for probably 9 months. It represented happiness and hope for me, and it just made me too sad. It collected dust. I told myself with every subsequent cycle that I would start up again when I was pregnant. And then June brought another BFN. And then October another.

Well - last night I warmed up my rusty fingers and played. Rudimentary stuff really, but it felt good.

This is what I mean when I say I feel like I can live again.

I know we have a long way to go before we're totally out of the woods with this pregnancy. And I’m not totally confident - there is some nervousness and uncertainty. But I feel pretty sure about this. With these high beta numbers and good doubling, I really think the odds are in our favor this time.

God I hope I don't get burned for being too confident.


serenity said...

Hey. You have EARNED this freedom, hon. You sit back and enjoy it. Because right now, in this moment, you are pregnant.

A wise woman once told me "Don't borrow trouble." It's my opinion that you can't fully prepare for a loss - I think it hurt just as much if you were being pessimistic as if you were being optimistic.

So enjoy it. Revel in it. You're going to be a mommy!!!

Nickie said...

I completely understand and could relate to the feeling trapped/stuck stuff. It's amazing how suddenly this part of your brain is available for other stuff now.

I hope the piano continues to bring you happiness and hope.

Anonymous said...

Oh Carol, you've just described me exactly! I was always the person doing interesting things and with lots of projects on the go, and these days I can't get motivated to do even the most rudimentary things.

How awful that IF does these things to us!

I'm so glad that you're regaining your freedom. Fly little bird, fly.

My Reality said...

You said it perfectly! I miss the free feeling, but it is good to know it can come back!

I am glad to hear the great tone in your "voice."

I am so happy for you, Carol!

Bea said...

Play it, Sam! I mean, Carol!

Lovely post. I'm glad you're feeling confident - you're right, the odds are finally and firmly in your favour. And that's as much as we ever get to ask for.


The Town Criers said...

I think it's fantastic that you've been unfrozen. All you know is what is in front of you right now. And right now, you are a mommy with a baby in your belly. If any other path pops up unexpectedly, you'll have the time and space to grieve. But for right now, play the music :-)

Stephanie said...

Enjoy your freedom my sister. Embrace every moment! I am so thankful you have not disappeared from our blog world as some have after they get a BFP. Stay with us...give us a glimpse at what might happen. By sharing your victory you cause hope to grow.
Thank you!

Kristy said...

The best thing for your little growing baby is for you to be confident :)

Good luck!

Kate said...

What a beautiful post. I remember feeling completely liberated and envigorated by pregnancy. I am glad your heart is so filled with hope and confidence. If you don't expect miracles, they won't happen.

aah0424 said...

I think it is great that you are feeling free and relaxing. You've been through so much and deserve the best. It seems like so many of us get so wrapped up in the losses and the never happened that we lose the ability to feel the joy in what we've created. I wish you all the best!

ava said...

I'm so happy that you're feeling that incredible weight lifted...what an amazing & joyful time.


Hopeful Mother said...

Amen, sista! As Bea said so eloquently, "Play it!"

Lara said...

I know I'm a little late for this but congratulations! I'm excited to see an ED Cyclesista have a positive result! I hope I get the same later on this month! Our egg donor does retrieval this friday. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

VanillaDreams said...

Congrats on the doubling betas, Carol! That is great, great news! I'm so glad you are feeling free -- you deserve a break!

Thanks for your comments at my blog regarding the spotting.

I spoke to the nurse at my Seattle clinic today, and she thought the bleeding was GOOD news, and was happy about it! So, I guess as long as I am not bleeding like a stuck pig (my usual circumstance during pregnancy) I guess no one cares! LOL

Anyway, all the best to you and your little embryo! :)

Take care,

Kris said...

Enjoy your freedom. None of us know what the future holds. Live in the now. (Now, I just need to take my own advice...)

I've been dying to learn to play the piano, too. But I keep putting it off, 'til "someday".

Bumble said...

Carol, I'm so so over the moon for you. This post made me cry my eyes out, you described exactly how I felt when I got that positive. Its an awesome feeling, enjoy it, you really deserve it. It's so close to a quote I put in my post yesterday about what IF feels like: None who have always been free, can understand the terrible, fascinating power of the hope of freedom, to those who are not free. - Pearl S. Buck