18 weeks, 4 days

Thanks for all your kind & supportive words about my awful dream.

Friday was a pretty bad day - I pretty much had that dream in my head all day. And the tears were just at the surface all day - I was very raw and emotional. I couldn't even really tell J about the details of it - because I would just start to cry too much. It's crazy what a dream can do to you. The image is still very vivid in my mind, but I'm not so emotional any more.

I just keep reminding myself that it was just a dream, and I've had lots of dreams that don't come true. Heck - I've dreamt about breastfeeding cats, and that hasn't come true. (please tell me I'm not the only one that's had this dream!)

The interesting thing about the dream was that it did actually make me feel more connected to the babies. It made them seem real for the first time.

And - I will confess - I've been terrified about the idea of having boys, and I think this dream changed that somewhat. I would love to have two girls, or a boy and a girl. But the idea of two boys terrifies me. Partially because the idea of raising boys scares me, and partially because it would mean giving up on the dream of having a daughter - and that would make me sad, because I would love to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I have with my mom (because most likely we will stop at 2 kids). This honestly is one of the reasons why I don't want to find out the gender of the babies before the birth. Because I have been afraid in the back of my head that if I found out that they were both boys, that I would be a bit disappointed. And I don't want to feel that feeling of disappointment about my babies. But I know that when they are born and healthy I will just be happy - no matter what they are. But the thing about the dream was - it really made me want those two little baby boys that I lost in that dream. They were mine, they were real, and I felt totally connected to them.

I still don't plan on finding out what they are. But my anxiety about having two boys is lessened a bit. So I guess something good did come out of that awful dream.

But for what it's worth - my grandma thinks it's two girls. And she's usually right about these things.

On other notes - I haven't done a round up of the pregnancy symptoms lately - so here's the latest:

• The boobs are growing. J and I both noticed that in the past week they look bigger. Still fitting into the bras though. I think what really seems bigger at this point is the ni.pples. Sometimes they really look huge! I've also gotten a little leakage out of them.
• I'm thirsty a lot. I've been doing much better about drinking water, and I really get thirsty if I don't have enough.
• the belly. it's crazy. usually it doesn't even feel like it's part of me - I refer to 'it' as a separate entity. Over the weekend I think it grew a lot. Usually when I get up in the morning it's not sticking out very much. But this weekend when I woke up it's definitely out there. Sometimes it's really hard. I'm wondering if I'm starting to have some of those braxton hicks contractions - I plan to ask the doc about that this afternoon.
• Although how pregnant I look still really depends on what I'm wearing. If I wear something that hugs me a bit, then I definitely look very pregnant. But if I wear something baggy, then I still look like I'm in that "is she pregnant or is she fat?" stage.
• My skin is great - I typically have somewhat dry skin on my face, with blackheads on my nose - but lately my face is very clear and very soft. nice. I like this.
• Movement - I think I've felt baby B a couple times now. on the left side of the belly I've felt a few little thumps. Once on saturday night I even felt it on my hand on the outside. It's still pretty rare though - I think only 3 times in the past 4 -5 days.
• I definitely notice that the uterus complains if I'm too active. If I do too much, it just starts to hurt down low. but laying down for a few minutes generally makes that go away.
• The gas has been back for the past couple weeks - not painful like in the 1st trimester - but just lots of it, generally in the evenings, and when I first wake up in the morning.

Happy Monday!