Monday, June 15, 2009

it's official

no shock - the official beta result is negative. Thanks to all of you for your very supportive comments.

My coordinator is out on mondays, so I've left her a message asking her to call me as soon as possible tomorrow. I want to know how quickly I can go again. Since this was an FET, I'm wondering if they will let me just stay suppressed, have a period, build up the lining and try again in a few weeks. Frankly I highly doubt it, but it can't hurt to ask. My RE is conservative, she probably will want me to take a cycle off, then start all over with the BCPs, etc. blech.

Tonight - I think I will be eating raw fish and drinking too much sake.

and then - some weight loss is in order. I've been eating like a pregnant woman for a few weeks, on all these hormones, indulging my every craving. And plumping up right nicely - so it's time to get that back under control.

But fuck - I'm just pissed today. I don't usually drop the F-bombs, but today I feel justified. I feel infertile again. Back are those old feelings of being a failure - of having a body who can't do this right. For a brief time, I didn't. I had such great success with the first transfer of DE embryos, that I almost considered it my infertility 'cure' - I could have as many babies as I wanted, because I had 6 frozen embroys, every one of which was going to turn into a viable pregnancy. Now that fantasy is dashed. I know it was stupid to begin with.

And now I have been kicked back down into my place - infertile. broken. unable to succeed at the one thing I want to do.

I have been wanting to be pregnant for so many years now - with the exeception of my 9 month pregnancy that went by too fast, there hasn't been a day in the last 6+ years that I haven't been actively thinking about wanting to be pregnant. Even from the day my twins were born, I knew I wanted to be pregnant again and I was thinking about when I was going to do it.

Now I have work to do, and chores to do. But what I really want to do is curl up and go to sleep.

10 comments:

My Reality said...

It just plain blows.

I say take a break from the chores for today.

optimisticallyhopeful said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your beta was negative. It never gets any easier, does it? I hope that knowing that lots of blog friends are thinking of you helps to make things just a tiny bit better.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry.

andi said...

Damn, damn and double damn. I am really sorry to hear your news.

Keep your chin up and think of those other four frozen ones.

Let's hope the next transfer is easier.

Thinking of you.

Cheers Andi

Jamie said...

I'm so sorry. It can't ever just be easy, can it?

You're allowed to take a break. Go to bed -- the chores will still be there tomorrow.

Ms. Perky said...

I can relate to much of what you said here. Especially about not a day going by that I haven't been thinking about being pregnant. Most people don't understand it - because they think "Oh! Three babies at once! You're obviously done!" Um. No.

Sigh.

I'm sorry, honey. I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Thalia said...

Curl up and go to sleep. When you wake up get some ice cream and a DVD and go back to bed. get some exercise tomorrow. Be nice to yourself for a bit. It's not over.

Anonymous said...

I was so sad reading your blog. I am the Mom of an infertile daughter. All the comments washed over me as if we were back in the middle of it again. The pain this causes is indescribable. Watching my daughter suffer through it was beyond agonizing. I felt so helpless. I felt guilty having had four children, even though she was one of them! I don't believe there is anything that is as awful as this. You guys know all this, the suffering alone, the wanting to hide, wanting to strike out at people and their stupid (well meaning, but still stupid)comments. And it just goes on and on. I am now the grandma of twins after five years of suffering. We cherish our little boy and girl everyday of their lives. They take our breath away. I have the deepest level of admiration for all of you who suffer through this and don't let it take you under, at least not permanently. And for those of you that do. You are just amazing. Of course, should I have the magic, each and everyone of you would be holding That Baby in your arms. You know, That Baby you can see and feel as if it were here. That Baby you can practically smell, in that way only a baby can smell, beautiful. Until then, I wish for you hope, and even more, I wish for you peace.

seattlegal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
seattlegal said...

Just getting around to checking blogs again and saw your post. I am sorry that this cycle didn't give you a positive result. Infertility does indeed suck!