no shock - the official beta result is negative. Thanks to all of you for your very supportive comments.
My coordinator is out on mondays, so I've left her a message asking her to call me as soon as possible tomorrow. I want to know how quickly I can go again. Since this was an FET, I'm wondering if they will let me just stay suppressed, have a period, build up the lining and try again in a few weeks. Frankly I highly doubt it, but it can't hurt to ask. My RE is conservative, she probably will want me to take a cycle off, then start all over with the BCPs, etc. blech.
Tonight - I think I will be eating raw fish and drinking too much sake.
and then - some weight loss is in order. I've been eating like a pregnant woman for a few weeks, on all these hormones, indulging my every craving. And plumping up right nicely - so it's time to get that back under control.
But fuck - I'm just pissed today. I don't usually drop the F-bombs, but today I feel justified. I feel infertile again. Back are those old feelings of being a failure - of having a body who can't do this right. For a brief time, I didn't. I had such great success with the first transfer of DE embryos, that I almost considered it my infertility 'cure' - I could have as many babies as I wanted, because I had 6 frozen embroys, every one of which was going to turn into a viable pregnancy. Now that fantasy is dashed. I know it was stupid to begin with.
And now I have been kicked back down into my place - infertile. broken. unable to succeed at the one thing I want to do.
I have been wanting to be pregnant for so many years now - with the exeception of my 9 month pregnancy that went by too fast, there hasn't been a day in the last 6+ years that I haven't been actively thinking about wanting to be pregnant. Even from the day my twins were born, I knew I wanted to be pregnant again and I was thinking about when I was going to do it.
Now I have work to do, and chores to do. But what I really want to do is curl up and go to sleep.