If you haven't been following me on twitter - the news is that I did POAS last night and it was negative. I'm not one of these people who holds out every last shred of hope for the 'real' result, I've been here too many times before - if I had a (viable) pregnancy, it would have shown up on that test. I'll get the official results this afternoon, but as far as I'm concerned, this is over. I did not do my PIO this morning. (don't give me a hard time about that - if she calls with some stupid low beta I'll do the PIO asap, and a few hours isn't going to make a difference).
I had plans around this pregnancy. That's how confident I was. And that's so stupid. I of all people should know better than that. But I just thought - every other BFN I've ever seen was because of my fucked up eggs - and these embryos are perfect, they wouldn't let me down.
The random stream running through my head for the last 12 hours consists of things like this...
- what an idiot.
- why? Why? WHY?
- what an idiot I am for being so confident.
- how quickly can I try again? will they let me go right away again next month?
- now what do I do?
- damn, this sucks.
- was I getting too greedy?
It's so lame, but I sit here thinking how this totally ruins my summer plans. I had all these great plans about buying maternity clothes, how we would announce our news, the great pregnancy pictures I would have. I put things off because I assumed I'd be pregnant - I need some summer clothes, but I avoided buying them. I've been making business plans assuming that I'd be off work for the spring. And I know better than to do all that. I know better.
I'm sure I will experience a range of emotions. But today I am angry. Angry at myself. Angry at the Universe or God or whatever power there may be that lets (or makes) things like this happen.