Monday, June 15, 2009

not what I expected to be writing today

I fully expected this cycle to work. I really never considered the alternative. I mean, why shouldn't it - perfect lining, perfect embryos. It was a batch of embryos that gave me two perfect babies. I figured I had 6 more babies sitting in the cryo just waiting for me. I had the never to wonder what I would do with the remaining 4 after these two resulted in another twin pregnancy.

If you haven't been following me on twitter - the news is that I did POAS last night and it was negative. I'm not one of these people who holds out every last shred of hope for the 'real' result, I've been here too many times before - if I had a (viable) pregnancy, it would have shown up on that test. I'll get the official results this afternoon, but as far as I'm concerned, this is over. I did not do my PIO this morning. (don't give me a hard time about that - if she calls with some stupid low beta I'll do the PIO asap, and a few hours isn't going to make a difference).

I had plans around this pregnancy. That's how confident I was. And that's so stupid. I of all people should know better than that. But I just thought - every other BFN I've ever seen was because of my fucked up eggs - and these embryos are perfect, they wouldn't let me down.

The random stream running through my head for the last 12 hours consists of things like this...
  • shit
  • fuck
  • what an idiot.
  • why? Why? WHY?
  • what an idiot I am for being so confident.
  • WHY?
  • how quickly can I try again? will they let me go right away again next month?
  • now what do I do?
  • damn, this sucks.
  • was I getting too greedy?

It's so lame, but I sit here thinking how this totally ruins my summer plans. I had all these great plans about buying maternity clothes, how we would announce our news, the great pregnancy pictures I would have. I put things off because I assumed I'd be pregnant - I need some summer clothes, but I avoided buying them. I've been making business plans assuming that I'd be off work for the spring. And I know better than to do all that. I know better.

I'm sure I will experience a range of emotions. But today I am angry. Angry at myself. Angry at the Universe or God or whatever power there may be that lets (or makes) things like this happen.


T-Mommy said...

I have no words, just please know that you are not alone.

A big hug to you!

Hopeful Mother said...

I am angry for you too. I'm angry that this has to be so hard and so complicated for people who deserve nothing more than to be able to "plan" their pregnancies like the rest of the fertiles. And it hurts just as much as the first BFNs, even though some of the feelings are of a different flavor.

Yes, you had every reason to think and hope that the cycle would work. I think I would have felt the same way about the embryos being perfect and WHY wouldn't it work? I remember feeling that way about our very first cycle, and it was a VERY LONG WAY DOWN from that BFN.

All I can say is that I'm thinking of you guys - and hoping that you can try again soon, when you're ready, and that there won't need to be any more tries after that. And, until then, give your hubby some extra hugs and your adorable kids too - they will help you get through this.


serenity said...

I'm sorry this cycle didn't work. Hugs.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

I've been worried about you because it did seem like you were pretty confident that this cycle would work.

And that's totally understandable, given your previous experience. No need to be angry at yourself.

Hugs, and best wishes for the next try.

Helen said...

I'm so sorry, babes. I know how it feels to shake your fist, when you have been told that everything is perfect, everything looks perfect, and you have two toddling examples of perfect in your life.

I'm here if you want to vent. I don't bring platitudes. I do bring tequila.

Thalia said...

Yup, totally totally sucks. I'm sorry.

JV said...

This really sucks, and I am so sorry. I can see how you would feel confident in the cycle - as I was also pretty confident that it would work out. I'm really sorry, it's not fair.